Titus 2 Truths: To Love their Husbands & Children

Over the last few weeks we have been looking at the command in Titus 2:4 for older women to train the younger to love their husbands and children. There is so much more material we could write on this, but there are so many resources that do a better job than any of us here! So to round up our thoughts on how we must learn to love our husbands and children, I simply want to point you to a new (to me) resource.

Credenda looks to offer a wealth of valuable insights for women on marriage and motherhood. I have not read every article, but what I have sampled has been more than worthwhile. So click on over to those Femina and Childer articles. There is also an abundance of other issues they cover, no less than the ones on Husbandry!

We are always looking to refresh and update our resources at the foot of the blog. So if you have any material that you would recommend in the area of being a godly wife and mother, please let us know. Until then, the books and links we have listed already come highly recommended.

Our next part in the Titus 2 Truth series will look at self-control. This might not seem as one of the more important virtues to be learned, however, Catriona and I can testify that it is! At our last meeting with the young wives and mums in our church, we fedback on what trait our husbands thought we should grow in from the list in Titus 2:4-5. More than half said self-control! So, if you want to see what we are looking to learn, we hope to bring you our first installment in the next week or so.

Titus 2 Truths: To Love their Children Pt 3

We're having one of those months in our house when our son's behaviour is far from acceptable! My husband and I are finding that we are spending more time disciplining him than we ever thought imaginable! When we're not disciplining him, most of the rest of the time is spent asking in frustration: 'why is he behaving like this?' I know we are not the only parents of a three year old going through stages like this. However, in thinking about our series on how we must learn to love our children, I find that I'm challenged more than ever about how to love Glen in a way that is pleasing to God and good for him.

As I 'hit the books' to gain some godly wisdom and advice I was struck by something that Carolyn Mahaney shares in her book, Feminine Appeal. In looking for inspiration on how to discipline, I was challenged more about the attitudes and thoughts I have about my son (and daughter too, as she has her moments!). So many times after it seems World War III has erupted and ended, I'm left thinking negative things about Glen and I ponder on the frustration, hard work, tiredness and burden of it all. Carolyn writes:

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!" Psalm 127:3-5

What words or images come to mind when you think about your children? Are you inclined like I was to think: work, responsibility, sacrifice, burden, more work? Look at the words the psalmist used to describe children: heritage, fruit, reward, arrows. Then he followed with this exclamation: "Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!"

Our speech and actions are shaped by our thoughts. Therefore, we must make every effort to think Psalm 127 kinds of thoughts about our children. Thinking of them as a heritage, a reward, and a blessing will alter our attitude and provide the fertile soil for our tender love to grow.

In the next couple of months our quiver will be the recipient of yet another arrow. So many times when things get difficult with the little rewards I already have, I panic at how I'll manage with another. My challenge to you and more importantly, myself, is to think tender thoughts of my children despite their wayward behaviour. Although I'm not to blame for my children's sinful behaviour, as a parent, I am held responsible for my thoughts, words, attitudes and actions when it comes to loving my children. Sadly, I fear, I spend too much time planting and watering on infertile soil so that my love for my children is stunted and does not grow as it should. Carolyn's words were a timely reminder of my responsibility to tenderly think about and appreciate my children for the blessing they are to my husband and myself.

Titus 2 Truths: To Love their Children Pt 2

We continue this week in our study in Titus 2 considering the ways in which older women are to teach the younger how to love their children. If you recall last week's post, Catriona explained that the greatest way we can love our children is to look out for their spiritual, eternal welfare.

As Catriona mentioned last week, it might seem strange that young women are to be taught to love their children. In fact, some might even raise an objection to this, arguing that love comes naturally to mothers. This is the case for many, and yet, there are times when we falsely interpret maternal love for other things. Sharon James in her book, God's Design for Women mentions a few examples:

• Fear of losing control: seen in being domineering
• Fear of sickness or accident: seen in being over-protective
• Fear of failure as a mother: seen in anger at the child's failure to reach mother's expectations
• Fear of losing a child's affection: seen in overindulgence and weak discipline

Sharon makes the point that we can think that we are loving our children, yet what really is needing addressed is an issue in our own lives. She goes onto add:

By contrast, genuine Godlike love is putting the interests of the other first. All the pressure on us now is to put 'number one' first. We are told that we should not do as our mothers did, and sacrifice ourselves for our children. Self-fulfilment is all important, and nothing, not even our children, should get in its way. But self-sacrifice is what bringing up the next generation is all about...Mothering (natural or spiritual) actually brings out the best in a woman, because it requires laying self aside.

So let's consider ways in which we can truly live sacrificially for our children and weed out false notions of love that are really only rooted in fear of failure, rejection and control .

Titus 2 Truths: To Love their Children Pt 1

As we move on in our study of Titus 2:3-5, we come to consider how we are called to love our children. Similar to loving our husbands, Paul says that this is something that must be taught to younger women, and again this concept can seem strange to us. Surely no women needs to learn how to love her children? Indeed, it amazed me how, when my two daughters were born, I immediately felt intense love for these two little girls whom I had only just met in person!

We can show our love for our children in many ways, from patiently getting up in the middle of the night when they are babies, to providing for their physical and material needs throughout their childhood. However, the most fundamental way we should show our love is by fostering a deep concern for their souls. This is perhaps obvious to the Christian mother and yet how easily this aspect of love is suppressed and pushed to the side by the day to day demands of caring for our children. J C Ryle argues in The Duties of Parents that our child's soul must be top of our list of considerations for their welfare:

Precious, no doubt, are these little ones in your eyes; but if you love them, think often of their souls. No interest should weigh with you so much as their eternal interests. No part of them should be so dear to you as that part which will never die. The world, with all its glory, shall pass away; the hills shall melt; the heavens shall be wrapped together as a scroll; the sun shall cease to shine. But the spirit which dwells in those little creatures, whom you love so well, shall outlive them all, and whether in happiness or misery (to speak as a man) will depend on you.

This is the thought that should be uppermost on your mind in all you do for your children. In every step you take about them, in every plan, and scheme, and arrangement that concerns them, do not leave out that mighty question, "How will this affect their souls?"

Soul love is the soul of all love. To pet and pamper and indulge your child, as if this world was all he had to look to, and this life the only season for happiness — to do this is not true love, but cruelty. It is treating him like some beast of the earth, which has but one world to look to, and nothing after death. It is hiding from him that grand truth, which he ought to be made to learn from his very infancy, — that the chief end of his life is the salvation of his soul.

A true Christian must be no slave to fashion, if he would train his child for heaven. He must not be content to do things merely because they are the custom of the world; to teach them and instruct them in certain ways, merely because it is usual; to allow them to read books of a questionable sort, merely because everybody else reads them; to let them form habits of a doubtful tendency, merely because they are the habits of the day. He must train with an eye to his children’s souls. He must not be ashamed to hear his training called singular and strange. What if it is? The time is short, — the fashion of this world passeth away. He that has trained his children for heaven, rather than for earth, — for God, rather than for man, — he is the parent that will be called wise at last.

So loving our children is hard work. It will sometimes hurt, as it is certainly tempting to take the easy road and pander to our children's wants to attain a bit of peace now. As they get older, it will be difficult to sometimes deny them the things the world values, but as Ryle says we must ask in everything "How will this affect their souls?". Let's determine in love not to hide from our children "that grand truth, which he ought to be made to learn from his very infancy, — that the chief end of his life is the salvation of his soul."

Titus 2 Truths: Love Is...Respect

Over the last two Tuesday's we have been considering for our Titus 2 Truths slots, how to love our husbands. Catriona posted on how we should not only cultivate tender thoughts towards our husbands, but left us last week pondering about how love is always discipline. Today we are going to think a little bit more about how we can practically love our husbands, by respecting them.

A little while ago I read a very helpful book, Love That Lasts: Where Marriage Meets Grace by Gary and Betsy Ricucci. In her chapter, "Walking in Wisdom: The Role of the Wife", Betsy gives considerable attention to respect: a vital attribute of any biblically wise and loving wife. She writes:

Early in our marriage we may find it fairly easy to respect our husbands. We marry Sir Romance-A-Lot, convinced he is our knight in shining armour...

But within a few years or months or hours, the armour begins to creak and tarnish. We begin to notice sin and weakness. Before long, we may see even the qualities we most admire in him in a less flattering light.

If your disappointment, fear, or pride sometimes makes it difficult for you to think about or behave toward your husband with respect, don't despair...To position ourselves to receive God's grace in this area, we must begin by facing reality. The Bible doesn't mince words on this topic. Ephesians 5:33 says, "let the wife see that she respects her husband." This command is given without qualification or ambiguity.

Betsy goes on:

We are commanded to demonstrate respect. Let's ask ourselves some questions:

• Am I more aware of my husband's deficiencies or his strengths?
• Am I more inclined to criticise my husband (whether verbally or in my heart) or commend him?
• Have I failed to express respect for my husband because I'm so concerned about a particular area of sin in his life?
• Have I ever thought, If I encourage him in one area, will he think I'm condoning everything else he does that's wrong?

Some of these questions no doubt resound a clanging bell in many ears, as they do mine. But how do we address this issue and what do we do about it? Betsy continues:

My respect and gratitude - or lack thereof - speaks volumes about my view of God. I can only be truly grateful for the efforts of an imperfect husband if I'm truly grateful to God for the undeserved favour of he extended to me in my salvation and continues to extend each day. despite my overwhelming imperfections. God's ongoing grace and kindness to me - when all I deserve is judgement for my sin - allow me to extend grace, gratitude, and respect....To extend these things to my husband is to honour the God who is at work through my husband.

And so there is clearly a theological aspect to our loving and respecting our husbands. Are we appreciative for the grace God extends to us, and are we willing to extend that godly quality to our husbands? But let's get practical for a moment. In what ways can I show respect? Betsy mentions three ways: In the way we think, in what we say and in what we do. She continues:

1. Respectful Thoughts

Develop a habit of directing your thoughts about your husband in biblical, God-glorifying directions. Dwell thankfully on his strengths rather than resentfully on his weaknesses. Thank God for the gift he is to you. Start making a written list of things about your husband and your relationship with him for which you are grateful.

• What thoughts spring to mind when I think of my husband?
• Do these thoughts honour my husband?

2. Respectful Words

Commend and encourage your husband wherever you can. Withholding respect or encouragement from my husband has never produced good fruit...We may not realise it, but when we withhold respect, what we're really thinking is, When they're worthy, then I'll express respect.

• How do I speak to my husband when we are alone?
• How do I speak to him in public?
• How do I speak of Him to others?

3. Respectful Deeds

When a husband and wife are together, a wife's entire posture toward her husband says a great deal about whether she is carrying in her heart an attitude of respect for him.

• Do I show respect to my husband through my actions? How so?
• Do I freely display affection fr him through appropriate physical contact?
• Do I listen intently when he is speaking, whether in private or in public?
• Or do my deeds communicate a lack of respect, inattentiveness or even indifference....like interrupting him, looking elsewhere when he's talking, or forgetting to get to things he's asked me to do?

I would thoroughly recommend this book to those of you who are married and for those contemplating marriage. Some of the questions above no doubt have left us with much to contemplate. Perhaps some of you are thinking, How do I start to establish a pattern of respect and encouragement when I've done so much criticising of my husband?

Can I suggest a few things. Why not take time to sit down and think about your husband's godly qualities. Write down what you respect, admire and appreciate about him. Reread and consider more fully the bulleted questions above. Perhaps even discuss with your husband how you are loving him in this area and whether he feels respected.

As Catriona mentioned a few weeks ago, we need to make big efforts to love our husbands, and respecting them in the way we think, speak and act is one practical way of learning to love them.

Titus 2 Truths: Love is Always Discipline

Last week we thought about what it means in practice to love our husbands and we are going to reflect on this a bit more today. As I was thinking about this I read a sermon by J.R. Miller written in 1894 which has much to say to us now in 2007. It is called Secrets of a Happy Home Life and you can download the whole article here. He writes:

In the last analysis, home happiness depends on the wife. Her spirit gives the home its atmosphere. Her hands fashion its beauty. Her heart makes its love. And the end is so worthy, so noble, so divine, that no woman who has been called to be a wife, and has listened to the call, should consider any price too great to pay, to be the light, the joy, the blessing, the inspiration of a home.

Men with fine gifts think it worth while to live to paint a few great pictures which shall be looked at and admired for generations; or to write a few songs which shall sing themselves into the ears and hearts of men. But the woman who makes a sweet, beautiful home, filling it with love and prayer and purity, is doing something better than anything else her hands could find to do beneath the skies.

Some marriages are unhappy. How can husband and wife live happily in their wedded life? Wedded happiness is a lesson that must be learned. No two lives brought into this close relation can blend into one without self-discipline. "Marriage is the beautiful unfolding of many years."

Ofttimes it takes a long while for a wedded pair to learn the lesson of living happily together. They are discouraged because such love as theirs does not yield perfect happiness from the very first day. It always costs to learn the lesson. The block of marble must wane, as the statue is sculptured and grows. There must be the cutting away of much in both lives; there must be restraint, self-denial, self-effacement, while they are being trained to live one life rather than two. Love is always discipline.

Maybe you are single just now or looking towards getting married. This is such an important lesson to learn as we prepare for what may lie in the future. Much difficulty and heartache can be avoided if we realise that there is hard work involved in "sculpting the statue" of a good marriage. And there may well be a lot of corners in our lives that will need to be chisled off! As we thought last week, love in a marriage takes work and a lifetime of commitment.

One important practical way in which we can be disciplined to show love to our husbands is by taking time to support and nurture his spiritual life. In particular, praying for our husband should be a top priority each day. Nancy Leigh DeMoss has written a helpful prayer guide which takes you through 31 days of prayer for your husband and it is certainly worth printing off and putting in your bible.

Titus 2 Truths: To Love their Husbands

As we continue our weekly look at Titus 2:3-5, this week we move on to the content of what older women are to teach younger women. In Titus 2:4 we read that older women are to "train the young women to love their husbands and children", and today, we are going to focus on loving our husbands.

I found it interesting that in this verse, Paul states that the young women must be trained to love their husbands. In our culture, love is so often portrayed as something that happens to you, over which you have little control, almost like catching a virus! In films we commonly hear the line "I'm sorry, I just don't love you any more", as if we are powerless to do anything about it. This, however, is not the view of married love that Paul is putting forward. Young women need to be trained to love their husbands, in other words it is something that needs work. This probably comes as no surprise to you whether you are married or not, and yet we so often forget this in the practicalities of everyday life.

So how can we consciously, daily make an effort to love our husbands in the way Paul is talking about? Of course, a happy marriage is a two-way street, and yet the call to love our husbands is not conditional on them being or acting the way that we would like. One important area we can focus on is addressed by Carolyn Mahaney in her book Feminine Appeal. She urges us to cultivate tender thoughts towards our husbands:

Your husband comes home from work, heads for the nearest comfy chair and pulls the newspaper up in front of his face. What sort of thoughts run through your mind? Are they kind thoughts? Loving thoughts? Or thoughts you dare not reveal?

We frequently face situations where we are tempted to think harsh and critical thoughts. Sometimes as wives we are more inclined to concentrate on what our husbands are doing wrong than what they are doing right. We are more aware of their deficiencies than areas where they excel. But if we submit to these temptations, they will only lead to the demise of warm affection.

Rather we must chose to focus on our husbands' many commendable qualities. As we do this, we will be amazed. We'll start to discover more and more good qualities that we were failing to see because we were blinded by our critical thoughts.

She goes on,

The apostle Paul understood the influence of people's thoughts on their feelings and behaviour. He exhorted the Philippians in this way: "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." (Phil 4:8) If we make it our aim to think these kind of thoughts about our husbands, we will experience tender feelings for them.

Maybe with Valentine's Day coming up we could take the opportunity to make a special effort to show our husbands that we love them. I must confess I've always cynically thought that Valentine's Day is just a marketing ploy on the part of the card companies (and it may be!) but perhaps we could hijack it and use it to strengthen our marriages to the glory of God.

Titus 2 Truths: Attitudes and Pitfalls

Next week we'll start looking at the curriculum that older women should be passing on to younger women as set out in Titus 2:4&5. But before we move on, I thought it might be helpful to think about some of the arguments we may put up for not being involved in the kind of mentoring relationship described in this passage of Scripture, and some of the dangers that we may encounter if we are.

My husband and I were chatting about this subject over dinner the other night, and he commented that women are more naturally inclined to enter into mentoring relationships than men. He is right, but we also agreed that women too can come up with plenty of reasons why they can't get involved. Older woman may feel inadequate to train younger women; "I don't have theological training" we may argue. However, the relationships Paul is discussing with Titus are not "journal clubs", erudite discussions of complex theological issues. Instead, he describes older women practically exemplifying how we are called to glorify God in our specific callings as women. As we discussed a couple of weeks ago, we should all aim to know our bibles well and live our lives by what we find there, but we will never have "all the answers".

On the other hand, as younger women, we may also feel inadequate to be involved in a relationship with a "spiritual mother". We can find it difficult to admit we need help and guidance in some areas, particularly when it comes to sensitive issues such as our identities as women. Sometimes we may find it difficult to identify an older women to pair up with. Can I encourage you to look around your church, find a godly woman and just ask her! Older women, can you think about how you can make yourself available to younger women, and maybe approach someone you know suggesting you meet up. It is made much easier if your church has a formal mentoring programme you can plug into, but failing that why not approach your pastor's wife for advice?

Several pitfalls may be encountered in these types of relationships. In her book One-to-one, Sophie Peace discusses a number of dangers we should be on the look out for:

• Control - "Unless we watch ourselves, a relationship in which we are supposed to serve a younger Christian can all too easily become one where we lord it over them, or even manipulate and control them, for the sake of our own egos."
• Legalism - "Concern for personal godliness can easily spill over into rules and regulations being imposed on the younger Christian, usually unintentionally...The older Christian must be very aware of this danger and keep pointing to Jesus in all things, being open about the failures in their own life and their thankfulness for forgiveness."
• Over-dependence - "This can happen where one person is less mature or secure either spiritually or emotionally or on both fronts, and looks to the stronger one for direction, strength and confidence where they should be looking to God for all these things."
• Pride - "We must remember that it is God's work to change people. Remembering this will also prevent us from becoming burdened with worry or guilt when we don't see the fruit we long for in our one-to-one partner or when they are demanding much more out of the friendship than we are able to give."

Following on from this, Sophie states:

These dangers can, to a large extent, be avoided when we are aware of them and are cautious, prayerful and accountable in our ministry.

So we should bring these issues before God in prayer and ensure that we are accountable to our church for the mentoring we are involved in. If your church has a women's ministry then this is more straightforward, but if not, you could perhaps arrange to meet regularly with another women who is also involved in mentoring to ensure you both stay on track. As my husband has said to me many times, "Remember you are trying to help someone become more like Christ, not more like you!"

Titus 2 Truths: Key Qualities

Last week we thought about how important knowing the Bible is as we seek to grow in wisdom and discernment. Now, let's look more closely at the qualities that Paul says should be evident in the older women who are teaching young women, qualities that all Christian women should pursue.

Reverent in behaviour - In her book Spiritual Mothering, Susan Hunt says,

Reverence implies honor, respect, love and obedience. A reverent life is the product of a reverent view of God. An exalted view of God will shape a Biblical world view that permeates all of life for the woman of faith. A Biblical belief and value system is foundational for a lifestyle of reverence.

Am I cultivating this sort of behaviour? Does the way I live my life and tackle everyday tasks show that I honor, respect, love and obey God?

Not slanderers- Paul knew that this was an issue for women and we thought about this a few months ago. How easily friendships can be destroyed by a few careless words as we seek to show others how much we know, or make ourselves the centre of attention. As Proverbs 12:18 states,

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Not addicted to much wine - For some, alcohol may be a very real struggle. However, others of us may be putting an imaginary tick next to this attribute, thinking that this is not something we need worry about. However, unhealthy obsessions may affect us all. Susan Hunt writes:

We must be free from habitual, compulsive behavior in order to live disciplined lives for God's glory. Self-control, as opposed to self-indulgence, is the fruit of the Holy Spirit.

Do we struggle with an unhealthy compulsion for food, shopping or even the internet? What can we do to improve our self control in these areas?

Teach what is good - Susan Hunt again:

The Greek word translated "good" means beautiful, commendable, excellent...This goodness is a manifestation of the grace of God within and stands in stark contrast to the standard of goodness that the world contrives.

In fact, all of these qualities are manifestations of God's grace, available to all who ask him. Often, I don't feel I'm developing any of these attributes but thankfully it does not depend on my ability or energy.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" Phil 4:13

Titus 2 Truths: "Age into a sage"

Today as we continue to think about the mandate in Titus 2 for older women to teach those who are younger, let's read some words from John Piper on this subject, found in his book, When I Don't Desire God:

It is a great advantage to be wise. Wisdom is different from the mere knowledge of facts. Some very wise people have little formal education. And some very educated people, who know many facts, are not wise. Wisdom is the insight and sense of how to live in a way that accomplishes the goals for which we were made: the glory of God and the good of man. And since glorifying God involves delighting in God, and the good of man involves sharing our joy in God, therefore wisdom is the only path to deep and lasting joy.

It won't surprise us that this joy-producing wisdom comes through the Word of God..."Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom."The Word of Christ brings "all wisdom" into our lives so that we can help each other know it and live in it.

One of the challenges I repeatedly hold out to the people of our church - especially the women- is that they make it one of their aims to age into a sage. I love the vision of older women full of seasoned spiritual fruit that comes only with long life and much affliction and deep meditation on the Word of God. So many younger women yearn for older women, who are deeply wise, to share the wisdom God has taught them over the years. The joy of giving and receiving this kind of gift is great. It is a joy that comes by the Word of God. There is no better joy than what comes through wisdom. Therefore, the Word of God is more valuable than anything on earth.

As I read this, I must consider whether I am making efforts to "age into a sage". Am I spending time dwelling on God's word and applying it to the various situations I find myself in? Do I look upon afflictions as a trial to be endured or an opportunity to learn more about God? As we get older, (as we all must!) let's rejoice that in God's economy we need not be left "on the scrap heap". Instead let's faithfully apply ourselves to knowing the Word of Christ so that we can encourage and equip other women.

Titus 2 Truths

Today we start a new series we're calling "Titus 2 Truths" where we will focus on the theme verses of our blog, Titus 2:3-5:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behaviour, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good and to train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

The over-arching theme of these verses is that Paul expects older women to encourage and teach younger women what biblical womanhood looks like in practice, by example and explanation. Note that Paul does not trust this mission to Titus himself, but urges him to ensure that the older women in his church grasp the importance of their role in instructing the young women how to live.

Susan Hunt, in her book of the same name, refers to this process as Spiritual Mothering, and each week for the next few weeks we will focus on this issue.

Susan Hunt defines spiritual mothering as,

when a woman possessing faith and spiritual maturity enters into a nurturing relationship with a younger woman in order to encourage and equip her to live for God's glory.

All women in the church fall into the category of either an older or younger women and in fact, all of us really are "young women" in some sense as we can always learn from those who are more mature in the faith than us. So as we start thinking about older women mentoring young women, I challenge you to think about whether you are involved in this process. Are you mature in the faith and able to offer your time and open your home to show a young women how to live as a godly woman? Are you seeking out older women to act as your role models in biblical womanhood?

I encourage you to take to time this week to listen to Carolyn Mahaney as she speaks on this topic under the title Passing on the Language of Bibical Femininity.