Helpful Resources

Over at Revive Our Hearts there are some useful resources available for downloading and printing. Here are some, but you can find more here.

• 10 Reasons You Can't Afford Not to be Hospitable
• A Call to Biblical Womanhood
• Biblical Portrait of Womanhood
• Men & Women: Similarities & Differences
• 10 Questions for Explore & Understand a Church
• 31 Days of Praying for Your Pastor
• 31 Days of Praying for Your Pastor's Wife
• Follow the Leaders
• 15 Ways to Please Your Husband
• 30 Day Husband Encouragement Challenge
• 31 Days of Praying for Your Husband
• Personal "Hedges"
• Mirror Mirror On the Wall: The Decision to Live Your Life for God's Glory
• Sexual Purity
• 23 Great Questions to Ask Your Kids
• 12 Ways to Pray for Your Child's Future Mate
• 15 Ways to Make Prayer a Natural Part of Family Life
• 31 Biblical Virtues to Pray for Your Children
• How's Your Love Life?

Guidelines for Dating

Lydia at the Purple Cellar shares some guidlines for dating taken and paraphrased from Rick and Sharon Phillips' book, Holding Hands, Holding Hearts: Recovering a Biblical View of Christian Dating.

Here's the list for girls:

1) A godly woman should allow the man to initiate the relationship. This does not mean that she does nothing. She helps! If she thinks there is a good possibility for a relationship, she puts him at east and encourages him as opportunities arise.

2) A godly woman should speak positively and respectfully about her boyfriend in his presence and absence.

3) A godly woman should give honest attention to his interests.

4) A godly woman should recognize the sexual temptations with which a single man will normally struggle and will avoid potentially compromising situations.

5) A godly woman will build up the man with God's Word and give encouragement to godly leadership. She should allow and seek biblical encouragement from the man she is dating.

6) A godly woman will make "helping" and "respecting" the watchwords of her behavior toward a man.

7). A godly woman will remember that the man is her brother in the Lord. She should not be afraid to end an unhealthy relationship but should seek to do so with charity and grace.

And for guys:

1) Commit to take the lead in the godliness of your relationship.

2) Decide before starting the relationship if you are willing to love a woman in the self-sacrificing, nurturing way the Bible describes.

3) Seek out her interests and spend time doing them with her.

4) Be willing to talk about the relationship. In fact, be the one to initiate honest dialog about it.

5) Pay attention to the cares and burdens of her heart. Be supportive rather than critical.

6) Do not be shy in ministering the Word to her. Do not preach, but exhort.

7) If something about her bothers you, seek to encourage her in that
area.

Let's Talk About Dating...

Here's a few thoughts from Boundless:

• Be Realistic
• Holding Out
• The Harm in Hanging Out
• Moving Toward Clarity
• Being Proactive
• Managing Expectations

Martin Luther & Marriage

I found this article over at Boundless on Martin Luther and his eventual marriage to Katherine von Bora. If you are single and wondering whether this will ever happen for you, this article is an encouragement - Luther a bachelor until he was 40, Katie a nun and yet they still get married! That aside, what I found more interesting besides their story were the four crucial observations Justin Taylor makes about their marriage.

1. Martin and Katie didn't put their hope in marriage, they put their hope in God.
2. Martin and Katie didn't marry each other because they were infatuated with each other; instead they grew to love each other because they were married.
3. Martin and Katie viewed marriage as a school for growing in godliness.
4. Martin and Katie enjoyed the God-given gifts of life and marriage unto the glory of God.

Single or married, these are some things for us to think about and meditate on.

Dating: Be Realistic

Boundless Line have just started a new series, Let's Talk About Dating! Here's a snippet from their first post on being realistic....

First of all, people are people. No one -- including me and you -- is all that great. We all fail and we all have shortcomings. Honestly, I'm never going to find someone who is completely perfect. I do want to be with someone who I work well with and whom I love, but it's important to be realistic when it comes to what I can live with and live without.

Secondly, I think it's important to give people the benefit of the doubt. Most of my girl friends and I are willing to go on at least one date with a guy if he asks (as long as he meets the basic expectations -- loves the Lord, doesn't eat bugs, and so on). We do this because 1) the guy had the guts to actually ask us out, which is awesome. It seems to be rare among lots of guys these days, so we should give them credit when they go for it. 2) You never know what you'll find out when you give someone a chance. He just may surprise you.

Guys, I think you should do the same. Be willing to ask a girl out even if she doesn't meet every expectation you've set up in your mind. Does she want to be more like Jesus? Is she kind? Is she enjoyable to be around? All of these are great reasons to consider getting to know this girl better. It may be scary, but it's worth doing.

On Marriage, Relationships & Compost

There's been a few things that I've either read or listened to today that I thought might be of some use to someone thinking about marriage & relationships. Lydia at The Purple Cellar shared Four C's (in order of priority) that are vital for a biblical relationship that will lead to a godly and healthy marriage.

1. Christianity - Christianity is certainly the first and most important "C." Has the man you like given his heart to Christ and is he living out that commitment? If not, that's all you have to know; you needn't take time to consider the the remaining three "Cs."

2. Character - The second "C" is character. Discerning someone's character takes time, and uncovering what you need to know about the character of the man you like is best done, initially at least, in a group or family setting.

3. Compatibility - Next to be considered is compatibility. Discovering whether you are compatible with another at a deep level also takes time. The bottom line is this: if you don't enjoy each other while you are dating, you won't enjoy each other in marriage either.4) Chemistry

4. Chemistry - That physical wow factor, is the "C" to consider after the first three "Cs" are all in place. All too often this is the driving "C," the one we put first. The most healthy relationships prioritize it here, in fourth place.

Colin and I also spent sometime listening to a couple of downloads while driving through to visit family today. One of the sermons was from John Piper's series Marriage, Christ & Covenant: One Flesh for the Glory of God. His sermon, God's Showcase of Covenant-Keeping Grace, had it's usual gems worth sharing. Here are a few things we took on board:

1. Marriage is the doing of God and marriage is for the display of God.

2. Marriage exists most ultimately to display the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church.

3. You cannot say too often that marriage is a model of Christ and the church. Why?

• It lifts marriage out of the sordid sitcom images and gives it the magnificent meaning God meant it to have;
• It gives marriage a solid basis in grace, since Christ obtained and sustains his bride by grace alone;
• It shows that the husband’s headship and the wife’s submission are crucial and crucified. That is, they are woven into the very meaning of marriage as a display of Christ and the church, but they are both defined by Christ’s self-denying work

Also in this series, Marriage: Forgiving & Forbearing concludes with a helpful image:

Picture your marriage as a grassy field. You enter it at the beginning full of hope and joy. You look out into the future and you see beautiful flowers and trees and rolling hills. And that beauty is what you see in each other. Your relationship is the field and flowers and the rolling hills. But before long, you begin to step in cow pies. Some seasons of your marriage they may seem to be everywhere. Late at night they are especially prevalent. These are the sins and flaws and idiosyncrasies and weaknesses and annoying habits in you and your spouse. You try to forgive them and endure them with grace.

But they have a way of dominating the relationship. It may not even be true, but it feels like that’s all there is—cow pies. I think the combination of forbearance and forgiveness leads to the creation of a compost pile. And here you begin to shovel the cow pies. You both look at each other and simply admit that there are a lot of cow pies. But you say to each other: You know, there is more to this relationship than cow pies. And we are losing sight of that because we keep focusing on these cow pies. Let’s throw them all in the compost pile. When we have to, we will go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can. And then, we are going to walk away from that pile and set our eyes on the rest of field. We will pick some favorite paths and hills that we know are not strewn with cow pies. And we will be thankful for the part of field that is sweet.

Our hands may be dirty. And our backs make ache from all the shoveling. But one thing we know: We will not pitch our tent by the compost pile. We will only go there when we must. This is the gift of grace that we will give each other again and again and again—because we are chosen and holy and loved.

Pyro on Dating

Pyromaniacs have written a great post this past week on Dating: when words and choices clash. Its a poignant article, especially in these days when Christians are threatened to compromise about their relationship choices.

Naomi Schaeffer has also written in the Wall Street Journal about Christians dating and marrying "outside the fold." Another essential read on the issue.

Dating with Purpose, Dating with Purity

Tonight my husband and I are giving a talk to our youth group at church. They have asked us to speak on dating. I don't have time to go into all that we will touch on, except to say that the more we read on this issue, two things are continually brought home to us: Dating with purpose and dating with purity.

I simply therefore want to highlight a few resources that we have found helpful in our reading. For those of you who are contemplating dating, or are already involved in such a relationship, take time to read the short articles on this subject from Boundless, and for a more in depth read, both books by Joshua Harris are recommended.

• Biblical Dating: An Introduction
  
• Biblical Dating: Are You Ready to Date?
• What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like?
  
• Biblical Dating: To Kiss or not to Kiss?
  
• Does God Bring People Together?
• Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend
• Brother, You're Like a Six!

• "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris
• "Boy Meets Girl" By Joshua Harris

Wise Words for Women: Guard Your Heart

I came across the following article the other day courtesy of Lydia at The Purple Cellar. "Guard Your Heart" addresses unmarried women, exhorting them to guard their hearts so that "it does not become entangled emotionally without the protection of a covenant." The author, Nancy Wilson, offers some exhortations which she admittedly might come across as "a trifle negative", but will have positive results. I'd like to quote from her article for today's wise words and commend the rest for your reading.

Nancy writes:

You must guard your imagination if you want to guard your heart. Don’t feed a lonely heart with cheesy romance novels or chick flicks and fantasize about the men or the relationships described. This can quickly become lust—lusting to be lusted after. Don’t allow yourself to imagine someone is interested in you when he is just being friendly. Don’t imagine that he had a tender look when he said hello to you, when he was really just giving you a polite greeting. In other words, do not develop wild crushes. If the man in question shows an interest elsewhere, you will be hurt, and depending on how much you indulged your imagination, you may be devastated. Be realistic about the men who show you attention....

Cultivating male group friendships is a healthy alternative to the world’s dating system, but we must not use these friendships to fill a void. Friendships can be sexually charged, and women are usually very ignorant about this. Friendships should not be intimate, but good-naturedly distant. Would you be able to maintain the friendship on an equal footing if you were married? If not, it is probably an inappropriate friendship. Women should have the kind of friendships with the brothers that are characterized by purity and propriety. If you have to alter your behavior after you are married, you have probably been behaving in an unwise or ungodly manner....

A Countercultural Path to Marriage?

Back in October, we referred you to a couple of articles on dating and relationships by Scott Croft at Boundless. Many of you have commented on how helpful these were, giving fresh perspective and biblical advice on such a hot topic. Scott Croft is beginning a new series on this same issue, starting with "Biblical Dating: An Introduction". Here is the blurb:

"The system today's young men and women have inherited for finding and marrying a future spouse leaves a lot to be desired. We often hear complaints from readers about the confusion, hurt and sexual sin they've encountered despite their best intentions. Many want to know how they can go about getting to know someone and eventually getting married without getting hurt or compromising their faith.

At Focus on the Family, we've offered a range of resources and expert advice bringing Biblical principles to bear in this area. Some of the messages we've presented have taken the position that Christians can apply their faith in such a way that they can still work within the system they've inherited. Other messages have stressed that Christians need to be much more counter-cultural. Joshua Harris, for instance, has promoted a model of courtship that harkens back to a model used broadly before modern dating evolved.

People attempting to follow a courtship model within today's culture, however, often run into a lot of practical questions, such as, "What if her dad is unavailable or uninterested in being involved?" or "What do you do when you live hundreds of miles from your family?"

The goal of this series of articles, beginning with this introduction, is to provide our readers with a place to bring those questions. Scott Croft is an elder at Capitol Hill Baptist Church where he teaches a seminar on Friendship, Courtship and Marriage. He is also an attorney who is used to tackling tough questions.

The answers he brings may be different from anything you've heard before. The topics he's going to be dealing with are ones in which equally committed Christians have found different Biblical interpretations. Not all will agree with Scott's approach, and we invite feedback from anyone who believes there are better interpretations for the Biblical passages Scott draws from.

It's our hope that this Q&A series will be valuable both for those who think the Bible gives sufficient guidance for operating within our current system as well as for those who are looking for a completely countercultural path to marriage."

This introductory article specifically looks at and compares 'modern dating' and 'biblical dating'. I encourage you to read it here, and take up Scott's invitation to enagage with his views.

Personal Hedges

When Paul wrote his letter to Titus, he told him to ensure that the older women in his congregation taught younger women how to live by exemplifying a number of characteristics (Titus 2:3-5). Purity is one of these character traits and as Christian women, we must live exemplary lives so that we do not dishonour the name of Christ by our behaviour.

Yet often we give little thought to how we can ensure that our conduct towards the men we meet each day is pure. As with so many things, taking time to think through this issue is essential and Nancy Leigh DeMoss encourages us to do just that in a booklet she has written called "Personal Hedges - Practical cautions for Christian women to help safeguard our hearts and the marriages of the men around us."

In it she states:

"I have also become convinced that any woman can bring about the moral downfall of any man—no matter how godly. This is one area of our lives where we can never afford to be less than vigilant...Over the years, the Lord has led me to develop a set of “hedges” (boundaries) in relation to the men that I have served with and related to in various settings. Those hedges have been a powerful safeguard and protection—for my own heart, for those men and their marriages, for my reputation, and most importantly, for the reputation of Christ."

Are we confident that the way we relate to men at church, in the workplace and in our leisure time is not causing them (and us) to stumble and bringing dishonour to the name of Christ? Can I encourage you to read the full article and take some time to put up some personal hedges of your own.

Chick Flicks!

Sentiment and romance, that's what women love isn't it? But what about the guys? How hard is it to get your bloke to sit down on a Friday night and watch a good ol' fashioned love story? Difficult! Although I'm not the most soppy of females, there are times when a girl needs to watch a good romance. We have a friend babysitting for us on Friday night and Colin and I are planning to go and see a film. I can envisage it now. What do we watch? Is it the 'chick flick' where the girl gets her guy in the end? Or is it the action where every two minutes something is blown up? We'll probably opt for the action and escapism this time round, as there aren't many good chick flicks out just now.

However, if you're desperate to get your guy to watch a bit of romance, I've found the perfect weapon in the form of an article. It's called "Chick Flicks" and is written by Douglas Wilson.

Speaking of a the need for guys to watch a girlie movie, he writes:

"When a film is done well, and its assumptions are consistent with the teaching of Scripture, men should do far more than sit passively through it. They come there as novices sitting at the seat of wisdom, listening to her teach. Much Ado About Nothing and Pride and Prejudice both contain things which the average male meathead needs to hear and see. And he needs to do more than merely hear - he needs to learn and apply...

Modern men have an awful lot to gain from this. Many things are required of us, and we must imitate them in order to incorporate them into our lives. But we cannot imitate what we do not see around us. We need a soon return to courteous masculinity, refinement of manners, and deep respect for women."

If this article intrigues you, I found it at Monergism and you can read it here. It's a serious word on chivalry and husbandry, but remember girls - it works both ways!

Brother, You're Like a Six!

"Physically attractive...
good sense of humour... fun-loving... chemistry... financially stable...."

Such are the search criteria for many singles when looking for a prospective partner. But as Christians: "Is this the foundational way to evaluate a potential spouse?" Scott Croft, an elder at Capitol Hill Baptist Church, thinks not. You can read his challenging article, Brother, You're Like a 6 at Boundless. Another article well worth a read is: What Does A Biblical Relationship look like? Ladies, some things worth pondering over, and passing on to the boys.