Helpful Resources

Over at Revive Our Hearts there are some useful resources available for downloading and printing. Here are some, but you can find more here.

• 10 Reasons You Can't Afford Not to be Hospitable
• A Call to Biblical Womanhood
• Biblical Portrait of Womanhood
• Men & Women: Similarities & Differences
• 10 Questions for Explore & Understand a Church
• 31 Days of Praying for Your Pastor
• 31 Days of Praying for Your Pastor's Wife
• Follow the Leaders
• 15 Ways to Please Your Husband
• 30 Day Husband Encouragement Challenge
• 31 Days of Praying for Your Husband
• Personal "Hedges"
• Mirror Mirror On the Wall: The Decision to Live Your Life for God's Glory
• Sexual Purity
• 23 Great Questions to Ask Your Kids
• 12 Ways to Pray for Your Child's Future Mate
• 15 Ways to Make Prayer a Natural Part of Family Life
• 31 Biblical Virtues to Pray for Your Children
• How's Your Love Life?

Becoming a Woman of Virtue

Are you a wise woman building your house? Or are you a foolish woman tearing it down with your hands? Use these questions to help evaluate yourself.

A Match Made in Heaven

Maria Taylor, wife to missionary James Hudson Taylor, knew what was of utmost importance in marriage. When Hudson Taylor considered leaving China to gain an education and a sense of worldly honour in order that he might be a more suitable suitor for Maria, she responded,

I would wait if he went home in order to increase his usefulness. But is he to leave his work in order to gain a name for the sake of marrying me? If he loves me more than Jesus he is not worthy of me - if he were to leave the Lord's work for the world's honour, I would have nothing further to do with him.

To which Hudson replied,

She is a noble girl.

Taken from Hudson Taylor & Maria: A Match Made in Heaven

9Marks Family & Parenting E-News

The latest e-newsletter from 9Marks is available with some reviews and articles on Family and Parenting. You can download the whole thing on PDF here or follow these links:

• Wanted: Kingdom Families
• Why Families Matter to God
• How Families Minister to the Church & the World
• Raising Boys vs Raising Girls
• Learning to Multiply
• 39 Lessons, 20 Tips & 10 "Don'ts" for Parenting
• Favourite Children's Bibles

• Book Review: Family Driven Faith by Voddie Baucham Jr
• Book Review: Practicing Hospitality by Pat Ennis & Lisa Tatlock
  

Watch Your Man!

We're married to sinners, right? There are times when we want our husbands to change for the better, right? There are times when we want to correct our husbands and all too often we go about it in the wrong way, right? I've just listened to this helpful talk from Carolyn Mahaney called Watch Your Man! You might want to listen in if you find yourself not going about this task of faithful, gentle correction with the respect and grace you should. Interested in finding out more? Here's the blurb and you can download the talk here.

Part of a wife’s biblical role is to bring faithful, gentle correction to her husband when necessary. True friends are willing to humbly correct one another, but if a wife does this poorly, she can damage her marriage.

In this seminar for women, Carolyn Mahaney explain’s a wife’s responsibility to lovingly watch over her husband. She gives biblical advice on questions such as how to correct in humility and love, when to forbear patiently, and when to prayerfully persist and appeal for change. Most important, Carolyn encourages wives to rely on God to change their husbands’ hearts and actions. It is God’s favor and approval—not change in their husbands—that wives must ultimately seek.

Home-work

My husband has being doing a bit of home-work recently, listening to a few talks that focus on family life. He's listed a few good resources for guys, but here's a list of some of my home-work assignments, some completed, others I'm keen to give due attention.

Loving My Husband by Carolyn Mahaney
Loving My Children by Carolyn Mahaney
Celebrating Marital Love by Carolyn Mahaney
Wisdom for Women from Titus 2 by Susan Hunt
A Fresh Look at Titus 2 by Carolyn Mahaney
Sarah Edwards: Jonathan's Home & Haven by Noel Piper
Marriage: Forgiving & Forbearing by John Piper
Honouring the Biblical Call of Motherhood by John Piper
To Be A Mother is a Call to Suffer by John Piper
The Centrality of the Home by Voddie Baucham
Shepherding Your Child's Heart 0-5 by Tedd Tripp
A Wife's Responsibility to Help Her Husband by Barbara Hughes

Single in Christ

Continuing our discussion on singleness, John Piper preached this sermon last week which I have found challenging as someone who is married with children. There are many times when I find myself idolizing my marriage and family life. I needed to be reminded once again that these things are temporary and that my relationship with Christ defines the value of my life. To be in Christ is to have God's best, it is not his gift of a husband and children.

The following is an excerpt from the sermon of which I encourage you, whether single or married, to listen to and gain wisdom.

My main point is that God promises those of you who remain single in Christ blessings that are better than the blessings of marriage and children, and he calls you to display, by the Christ-exalting devotion of your singleness, the truths about Christ and his kingdom that shine more clearly through singleness than through marriage and childrearing. The truths, namely,

1. That the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ;¹
2. That relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families (and, of course, it is wonderful when relationships in families are also relationships in Christ; but we know that is often not the case);
3. That marriage is temporary, and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church—the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face to face;
4. That faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate; relationship to Christ is.

To say the main point more briefly: God promises spectacular blessings to those of you who remain single in Christ, and he gives you an extraordinary calling for your life. To be single in Christ is, therefore, not a falling short of God’s best, but a path of Christ-exalting, covenant-keeping obedience that many are called to walk.

If you don't have time to listen to all the sermon, here's a 5 minute excerpt:

Building Your House

This is something I'm working on:

Develop a habit of directing your thoughts about your husband in biblical, God-glorifying directions. Dwell thankfully on his strengths rather than resentfully on his weaknesses. Thank God for the gift he is to you. Start making a written list of things about your husband and your relationship with him for which you are grateful. In so doing, you will build your house.

Love That Lasts by Gary & Betsy Ricucci.

Giving Oneself

John Stott on Ephesians 5, from the The Message of Ephesians: God's New Society (BST Commentary)

The giving of oneself to anybody is a recognition of the worth of the other self. For if I give myself up, it can only be because I value the other person so highly that I want to sacrifice myself for his or her self, in order that he may develop his selfhood, or she hers, more fully. Now to lose oneself that that the other may find his or her self - that is the essence of the gospel of Christ. It is also the essence of the marriage relationship, for as the husband loves his wife and the wife submits to her husband, each is seeking to enable the other to become more fully himself and herself, within the harmonious complementarity of the sexes.

Martin Luther & Marriage

I found this article over at Boundless on Martin Luther and his eventual marriage to Katherine von Bora. If you are single and wondering whether this will ever happen for you, this article is an encouragement - Luther a bachelor until he was 40, Katie a nun and yet they still get married! That aside, what I found more interesting besides their story were the four crucial observations Justin Taylor makes about their marriage.

1. Martin and Katie didn't put their hope in marriage, they put their hope in God.
2. Martin and Katie didn't marry each other because they were infatuated with each other; instead they grew to love each other because they were married.
3. Martin and Katie viewed marriage as a school for growing in godliness.
4. Martin and Katie enjoyed the God-given gifts of life and marriage unto the glory of God.

Single or married, these are some things for us to think about and meditate on.

On Marriage, Relationships & Compost

There's been a few things that I've either read or listened to today that I thought might be of some use to someone thinking about marriage & relationships. Lydia at The Purple Cellar shared Four C's (in order of priority) that are vital for a biblical relationship that will lead to a godly and healthy marriage.

1. Christianity - Christianity is certainly the first and most important "C." Has the man you like given his heart to Christ and is he living out that commitment? If not, that's all you have to know; you needn't take time to consider the the remaining three "Cs."

2. Character - The second "C" is character. Discerning someone's character takes time, and uncovering what you need to know about the character of the man you like is best done, initially at least, in a group or family setting.

3. Compatibility - Next to be considered is compatibility. Discovering whether you are compatible with another at a deep level also takes time. The bottom line is this: if you don't enjoy each other while you are dating, you won't enjoy each other in marriage either.4) Chemistry

4. Chemistry - That physical wow factor, is the "C" to consider after the first three "Cs" are all in place. All too often this is the driving "C," the one we put first. The most healthy relationships prioritize it here, in fourth place.

Colin and I also spent sometime listening to a couple of downloads while driving through to visit family today. One of the sermons was from John Piper's series Marriage, Christ & Covenant: One Flesh for the Glory of God. His sermon, God's Showcase of Covenant-Keeping Grace, had it's usual gems worth sharing. Here are a few things we took on board:

1. Marriage is the doing of God and marriage is for the display of God.

2. Marriage exists most ultimately to display the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church.

3. You cannot say too often that marriage is a model of Christ and the church. Why?

• It lifts marriage out of the sordid sitcom images and gives it the magnificent meaning God meant it to have;
• It gives marriage a solid basis in grace, since Christ obtained and sustains his bride by grace alone;
• It shows that the husband’s headship and the wife’s submission are crucial and crucified. That is, they are woven into the very meaning of marriage as a display of Christ and the church, but they are both defined by Christ’s self-denying work

Also in this series, Marriage: Forgiving & Forbearing concludes with a helpful image:

Picture your marriage as a grassy field. You enter it at the beginning full of hope and joy. You look out into the future and you see beautiful flowers and trees and rolling hills. And that beauty is what you see in each other. Your relationship is the field and flowers and the rolling hills. But before long, you begin to step in cow pies. Some seasons of your marriage they may seem to be everywhere. Late at night they are especially prevalent. These are the sins and flaws and idiosyncrasies and weaknesses and annoying habits in you and your spouse. You try to forgive them and endure them with grace.

But they have a way of dominating the relationship. It may not even be true, but it feels like that’s all there is—cow pies. I think the combination of forbearance and forgiveness leads to the creation of a compost pile. And here you begin to shovel the cow pies. You both look at each other and simply admit that there are a lot of cow pies. But you say to each other: You know, there is more to this relationship than cow pies. And we are losing sight of that because we keep focusing on these cow pies. Let’s throw them all in the compost pile. When we have to, we will go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can. And then, we are going to walk away from that pile and set our eyes on the rest of field. We will pick some favorite paths and hills that we know are not strewn with cow pies. And we will be thankful for the part of field that is sweet.

Our hands may be dirty. And our backs make ache from all the shoveling. But one thing we know: We will not pitch our tent by the compost pile. We will only go there when we must. This is the gift of grace that we will give each other again and again and again—because we are chosen and holy and loved.

When Sinners Say 'I Do'

I'm just about to start reading Dave Harvey's book, When Sinners Say 'I Do': Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage. However, there is a temptation not to bother since Sovereign Grace Ministries have just set up a You Tube page of videos related to some chapters of the book!

Although I'll still read the book ('cause that's just what I do & I paid good money for it not to!), for those of you who might need a little inspiring to flick through the pages of what seems a worthwhile read, check out what Dave Harvey says about his book here.

(HT: Justin Taylor)

Heroines of the Mission Field: Mary Moffat

I've recently been reading A Scottish Christian Heritage by Iain H. Murray, and one of the chapters is about the life of Robert Moffat, missionary to South Africa for more than 50 years from 1817 until 1870. I guess he is not the most famous nineteenth century missionary, and in fact, he is perhaps better known as the father in law of David Livingstone. Even less well known is his wife Mary. As I read about the work of the Moffats I was keen to learn more about Mary Moffat and I tracked down a book written in the late 1800's called Heroines of the Mission Field, by Emma Raymond Pitman.

Mary Moffat was born in 1795 near Manchester, England. She and Robert Moffat met when he was working as a gardener for her father, who owned a nursery in Cheshire. They both shared a common desire to undertake mission work and Robert was sent out to South Africa by the London Missionary Society in 1816. Mary was keen to marry Robert and accompany him, but her parents forbade it. Two years later, Mary's parents relented much to Robert's delight, "for a missionary in this country without a wife is like a boat with one oar."

They married as soon as Mary arrived in South Africa and as Murray writes,

Mary's companionship came in time for the many hard years that lay ahead.

The Moffats worked tirelessly to bring the gospel message to the Batlaping people, but

discouragements abounded. Initial threats from the Batlaping people subsided into constant thieving, allied with stony indifference to anything spiritual.

As a woman in this environment, Mary faced particular trials, detailed by Mrs Pittman:

females [who] flocked around her...viewed her as a curiosity, to be teased, robbed or let alone, as it pleased them...The houses were as unlike English ideas of comfort as they were possible to be. These huts... were composed of a number of poles placed in circular form and covered with mats. When the sun shone, it was unbearably hot; when it rained the water poured in, while it was not unusual for dogs and serpents to force their way into some quiet corner.

Mary Moffat herself described the circumstances in which she laboured each day, with her house full of any number of locals, "leaving us not room enough even to turn ourselves". She goes on,

While some were talking, others would be sleeping, and some pilfering whatever they could lay their hands upon.

They worked for a decade without any sign of a change in the people around them and the London Missionary Society was considering abandoning the work. However, in 1829, at last six people were converted. Throughout these difficult years, Mary supported her husband in his work, even when he doubted whether they would ever see any fruit. Mary said,

We may not live to see it, but the awakening will come as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.

Her faith in the promises of God was further illustrated by her ordering a communion cup and plates from England in 1827, before anyone had been converted. They arrived one week before they were needed in 1829.

She raised seven children, four of whom became missionaries themselves. Robert often had to travel around the surrounding countryside, and Mary was left alone on the mission station, although on some occasions she travelled with him, with all the danger that entailed. At the end of her life, someone said to her, "God has honoured you to be a great helper to your husband", to which Mary replied,

I always studied my husband's comfort, never hindered him in his work, but always did what I could to keep him up to it.

Although our lives today are very different today to that experienced by Mary Moffat, there is much we can learn from her faithfulness in carrying out God's work, and the dedication with which she pursued her helper role.

Questions for a Godly Wife

I came across a helpful set of questions from Daniel Phillips written for Christian women who desire to be godly wives. They deal with everything from your personal relationship with God, to your role as a wife, your desires and goals to the place of others in your marriage. If you're married take some time to go through thinking about these questions. If you're single, don't go, do the same, it's good preparation and learning for what may lie ahead.....

Here's one taster question to get you started and one that I think I'm going to be constantly asking!:

• "Do you handle disagreements in a respectful, God-honoring way? Do you respect your husband in your heart, in how you think of him (Prov. 4:23; cf. 1 Pet. 3:2, 5, 6 with Gen. 18:12 [i.e. Sarah thought of Abraham as "my lord" in her heart])? Do you imagine that a feigned outward formal respect, thinly veiling a bitter, resentful, belittling heart, is pleasing to God? Or can you dream that such an attitude will bear other than bitter fruit in your marriage (cf. Prov. 4:23; Matt. 15:18-20)? That being the case, do you duly respect your husband and his thinking? Do you approach differences with him cautiously and humbly in your thinking, or brashly and arrogantly? Do you give any prominence in your thinking to the possibility that you might be mistaken? Do you magnify your husband's strengths and godly traits — or do you exaggerate even tiny flaws and affronts (contra 1 Cor. 13:5b)? Do you give him the benefit of a doubt (1 Cor. 13:7), or do you "shoot first and ask questions later," or never? Do you "declare war" easily (contra 1 Cor. 13:5), or seldom or never (Eph. 4:2; Jas. 3:17)?"

Crosswalk

One resource I like to check out now and again is the Crosswalk webzine. There are interesting reads covering singles, marriage, family life, entertainment, career & finance, and spirituality. Here are some of their recent articles for your interest. They will only take up a few minutes of your time to read. Even better, check out the site here.

• Words can Captivate Your Man
• Want a Healthy Marriage? Prioritize Fun
• A Relationship Requires more than just Love
• Take Your Life off Hold
• The Worth of a Stay-at-Home Spouse
• Mummy Wars
  

Wise Words for Women: Forgiveness, Forbearance & Fertilizer

Today's wise words are unashamedly from Noel Piper again! Last week, Noel posted on the Desiring God blog some thoughts about her husbands sermon on Forgiveness and Forbearance in marriage. Here is her post in full. I hope you find it as insightful as I did.

"What my husband said last Sunday at the end of a sermon on forgiveness and forbearance in marriage:

Picture your marriage as a grassy field. You enter it at the beginning full of hope and joy. You look out into the future and you see beautiful flowers and trees and rolling hills. And that beauty is what you see in each other. Your relationship is the field and flowers and the rolling hills. But before long, you begin to step in cow pies. Some seasons of your marriage they may seem to be everywhere. Late at night they are especially prevalent. These are the sins and flaws and idiosyncrasies and weaknesses and annoying habits in you and your spouse. You try to forgive them and endure them with grace.

But they have a way of dominating the relationship. It may not even be true, but it feels like that’s all there is—cow pies. I think the combination of forbearance and forgiveness leads to the creation of a compost pile. And here you begin to shovel the cow pies. You both look at each other and simply admit that there are a lot of cow pies. But you say to each other: You know, there is more to this relationship than cow pies. And we are losing sight of that because we keep focusing on these cow pies. Let’s throw them all in the compost pile. When we have to, we will go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can. And then, we are going to walk away from that pile and set our eyes on the rest of field. We will pick some favorite paths and hills that we know are not strewn with cow pies. And we will be thankful for the part of field that is sweet.

Our hands may be dirty. And our backs make ache from all the shoveling. But one thing we know: We will not pitch our tent by the compost pile. We will only go there when we must. This is the gift of grace that we will give each other again and again and again—because we are chosen and holy and loved.

What I thought as he went along:

That is so true....But then I hope the congregation doesn’t think he means we should just shovel our problems aside and live in denial. We do need to deal occasionally with the disagreements and sins that come between us....No wait. Listen to him. I should have known he wouldn’t leave us with that misunderstanding. “When we have to, we will go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can.”

What I told him after the service:

The compost pile is such a good analogy, and you know, you can take it even further. Thanks, see you later.

He smiled:

I wonder what she means.

What I meant:

I’ve never composted, but I understand that periodically you need to leave your pleasant paths and visit the compost pile.You need to bring your shovel or pitchfork and stir the compost around. In other words, occasionally we do need to revisit the causes of stress and anger that are between us and release and diffuse the heat that’s been building up in the pile. Yes, we spend most of our time in the large, pleasant meadow that represents the good that predominates our relationship, but sometimes we have to talk about hard things or sometimes one of us needs to confront the other about something that is difficult. We do sometimes have to go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can.

When we do that digging and stirring, our hands will be dirty and our backs will ache. But after the digging and stirring is done for now, if we have stirred well, our aches will be the satisfying pain of a job well done.

We don’t want to live there, but the compost heap does exist and we do need to dig down deep sometimes. This can involve stirring up some stinky, rotting material that we’d rather not see or smell. But if we don’t stir it up, we’ll just have a manure pile, not compost. We wouldn’t want to pitch our tent right there, but we do need to visit sometimes.

I expect to hear more about that kind of visiting and shoveling during your sermon dealing with confrontation, because confrontation is one thing that drags us helter-skelter to the compost pile.

I don’t expect ever to enjoy shoveling the compost. But it helps to know that over time, with proper shoveling and mixing, our stinky, rotting manure becomes compost. Yes, composting and fertilizing is hard work, but the whole field of our relationship is richer and greener and sweeter for it."

Titus 2 Truths: Love Is...Respect

Over the last two Tuesday's we have been considering for our Titus 2 Truths slots, how to love our husbands. Catriona posted on how we should not only cultivate tender thoughts towards our husbands, but left us last week pondering about how love is always discipline. Today we are going to think a little bit more about how we can practically love our husbands, by respecting them.

A little while ago I read a very helpful book, Love That Lasts: Where Marriage Meets Grace by Gary and Betsy Ricucci. In her chapter, "Walking in Wisdom: The Role of the Wife", Betsy gives considerable attention to respect: a vital attribute of any biblically wise and loving wife. She writes:

Early in our marriage we may find it fairly easy to respect our husbands. We marry Sir Romance-A-Lot, convinced he is our knight in shining armour...

But within a few years or months or hours, the armour begins to creak and tarnish. We begin to notice sin and weakness. Before long, we may see even the qualities we most admire in him in a less flattering light.

If your disappointment, fear, or pride sometimes makes it difficult for you to think about or behave toward your husband with respect, don't despair...To position ourselves to receive God's grace in this area, we must begin by facing reality. The Bible doesn't mince words on this topic. Ephesians 5:33 says, "let the wife see that she respects her husband." This command is given without qualification or ambiguity.

Betsy goes on:

We are commanded to demonstrate respect. Let's ask ourselves some questions:

• Am I more aware of my husband's deficiencies or his strengths?
• Am I more inclined to criticise my husband (whether verbally or in my heart) or commend him?
• Have I failed to express respect for my husband because I'm so concerned about a particular area of sin in his life?
• Have I ever thought, If I encourage him in one area, will he think I'm condoning everything else he does that's wrong?

Some of these questions no doubt resound a clanging bell in many ears, as they do mine. But how do we address this issue and what do we do about it? Betsy continues:

My respect and gratitude - or lack thereof - speaks volumes about my view of God. I can only be truly grateful for the efforts of an imperfect husband if I'm truly grateful to God for the undeserved favour of he extended to me in my salvation and continues to extend each day. despite my overwhelming imperfections. God's ongoing grace and kindness to me - when all I deserve is judgement for my sin - allow me to extend grace, gratitude, and respect....To extend these things to my husband is to honour the God who is at work through my husband.

And so there is clearly a theological aspect to our loving and respecting our husbands. Are we appreciative for the grace God extends to us, and are we willing to extend that godly quality to our husbands? But let's get practical for a moment. In what ways can I show respect? Betsy mentions three ways: In the way we think, in what we say and in what we do. She continues:

1. Respectful Thoughts

Develop a habit of directing your thoughts about your husband in biblical, God-glorifying directions. Dwell thankfully on his strengths rather than resentfully on his weaknesses. Thank God for the gift he is to you. Start making a written list of things about your husband and your relationship with him for which you are grateful.

• What thoughts spring to mind when I think of my husband?
• Do these thoughts honour my husband?

2. Respectful Words

Commend and encourage your husband wherever you can. Withholding respect or encouragement from my husband has never produced good fruit...We may not realise it, but when we withhold respect, what we're really thinking is, When they're worthy, then I'll express respect.

• How do I speak to my husband when we are alone?
• How do I speak to him in public?
• How do I speak of Him to others?

3. Respectful Deeds

When a husband and wife are together, a wife's entire posture toward her husband says a great deal about whether she is carrying in her heart an attitude of respect for him.

• Do I show respect to my husband through my actions? How so?
• Do I freely display affection fr him through appropriate physical contact?
• Do I listen intently when he is speaking, whether in private or in public?
• Or do my deeds communicate a lack of respect, inattentiveness or even indifference....like interrupting him, looking elsewhere when he's talking, or forgetting to get to things he's asked me to do?

I would thoroughly recommend this book to those of you who are married and for those contemplating marriage. Some of the questions above no doubt have left us with much to contemplate. Perhaps some of you are thinking, How do I start to establish a pattern of respect and encouragement when I've done so much criticising of my husband?

Can I suggest a few things. Why not take time to sit down and think about your husband's godly qualities. Write down what you respect, admire and appreciate about him. Reread and consider more fully the bulleted questions above. Perhaps even discuss with your husband how you are loving him in this area and whether he feels respected.

As Catriona mentioned a few weeks ago, we need to make big efforts to love our husbands, and respecting them in the way we think, speak and act is one practical way of learning to love them.

Titus 2 Truths: Love is Always Discipline

Last week we thought about what it means in practice to love our husbands and we are going to reflect on this a bit more today. As I was thinking about this I read a sermon by J.R. Miller written in 1894 which has much to say to us now in 2007. It is called Secrets of a Happy Home Life and you can download the whole article here. He writes:

In the last analysis, home happiness depends on the wife. Her spirit gives the home its atmosphere. Her hands fashion its beauty. Her heart makes its love. And the end is so worthy, so noble, so divine, that no woman who has been called to be a wife, and has listened to the call, should consider any price too great to pay, to be the light, the joy, the blessing, the inspiration of a home.

Men with fine gifts think it worth while to live to paint a few great pictures which shall be looked at and admired for generations; or to write a few songs which shall sing themselves into the ears and hearts of men. But the woman who makes a sweet, beautiful home, filling it with love and prayer and purity, is doing something better than anything else her hands could find to do beneath the skies.

Some marriages are unhappy. How can husband and wife live happily in their wedded life? Wedded happiness is a lesson that must be learned. No two lives brought into this close relation can blend into one without self-discipline. "Marriage is the beautiful unfolding of many years."

Ofttimes it takes a long while for a wedded pair to learn the lesson of living happily together. They are discouraged because such love as theirs does not yield perfect happiness from the very first day. It always costs to learn the lesson. The block of marble must wane, as the statue is sculptured and grows. There must be the cutting away of much in both lives; there must be restraint, self-denial, self-effacement, while they are being trained to live one life rather than two. Love is always discipline.

Maybe you are single just now or looking towards getting married. This is such an important lesson to learn as we prepare for what may lie in the future. Much difficulty and heartache can be avoided if we realise that there is hard work involved in "sculpting the statue" of a good marriage. And there may well be a lot of corners in our lives that will need to be chisled off! As we thought last week, love in a marriage takes work and a lifetime of commitment.

One important practical way in which we can be disciplined to show love to our husbands is by taking time to support and nurture his spiritual life. In particular, praying for our husband should be a top priority each day. Nancy Leigh DeMoss has written a helpful prayer guide which takes you through 31 days of prayer for your husband and it is certainly worth printing off and putting in your bible.

Wise Words for Women: "Riding in Tandem"

Today is our spot in the week where we leave you with some words of wisdom as we seek to discover and recover in our lives what it means to be women who live according to God's Word.

Today's wise words come from Noel Piper and are particularly addressed for those who are married, though not exclusively. As I said to a friend the other day: 'I wish someone shared with me these things when I was single and contemplating marriage'.

Noel describes her musings as "random lessons," they are, in essence, thought provoking and full of wisdom as we seek to ride in the tandem of marriage.

John & Noel Riding in Tandem

"Sunscreen on, helmets buckled, pedals in sync, and we were on our way. After a few minutes, Johnny called over his shoulder, “You’re doing pretty well for your first time on a tandem.” Without a thought, I replied: “I guess all these years of marriage have been good practice.”

Here are some random lessons learned last week riding along the Cannon Valley Trail behind my husband on a bicycle built for two:

• If I throw my weight around, we wobble and swerve.
• My initial “seasickness” eases when I quit resisting and let him lean the bike into curves and turns in the path.
• I often feel as if I’m not really adding much to the effort. But I must be doing my part, because if I lift my feet, he feels it and asks, “Are you still there?”
• My instinct is to press harder on the pedals to make sure I’m carrying my share of the load. But when I do, he says, “Slow down. Don’t push me so fast.”
• Looking over his shoulder, I can see a lot of what he sees, but not what’s immediately in front of us. Good thing he’s the one steering, braking, and changing gears. On the other hand, I’m more free to look around and point out the mile markers and the turtles basking on a log.
• I can’t brake or steer, but I do have the power to stop the bike and ruin the ride. If I stand still on the pedals and refuse to move, he can’t make them turn.
• I love it when we’re on level ground and using a gear that sets a slow, steady pedalling that surges us forward. But I need warning when he changes to a setting that requires fast foot strokes. When I’m caught off guard, my feet are slung from the pedals and it’s a trick to get them back in place without snarling the progress up a steep hill.
• When I realize I’m gripping the handlebars, I have to remind myself, “Let go! You’ve always wanted to ride ‘no hands.’ Now you can!”
• When I’m ready to turn back, he’s aiming for one more mile marker. When I’m ready to finish easy, he says, “Let’s see if we can beat our record.” With that kind of encouragement, I do what never would have happened if I’d been on my own.
• Near the end, when I see one more hill, I open my mouth to say, “Let me off. I’ll walk up.” Then I realize how foolish we’d look, me plodding alone and him trying to keep the bike going by himself. So I shut up and keep pedaling.
• And I discover that, when we pedal together, impossible inclines become possible.

Perhaps the 19th century songwriter was wiser than he knew when he created a marriage proposal that said, “You’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.” It makes me think of what Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:22-24: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

Words as these in our world today are regarded as less than wise, more like foolish. Why in the world would we want to submit to anyone, never mind our husbands? 'Submission' is a bit of a 'dirty word', it implies that one party is lesser in worth than the other, inferior. And yet, when we close our ears to what the world tells us and open our eyes and read God's word, the concept of submission in God's economy is far from negative.

God's word instructs us in Genesis 1:26 that God made male and female in his own image. Therefore, men and women enjoy equality of personhood, dignity and worth. With regard to our status before God, there is no hint of superiority or inferiority.

This is not to say that men and women are made exactly the same. One of the ways in which God has designed women is to reflect that equality of personhood in a different way from men. God has made us to be "suitable helpers" (Genesis 2:20) and men to take on a leadership role. When both men and women step up and embrace their true masculinity and femininity, as designed by God, "they will be truly fulfilled and God's creational wisdom will be fully displayed and exalted" (John Piper).

When the world tells us that equality cannot be sustained with an order of leadership and submission, we must consider anew not only what God's word says, but how Father, Son and Holy Spirit reflect this truth perfectly. Bruce Ware writes:

"The structure of authority and obedience is not only established by God, but it is, even more, possessed in God’s own inner Trinitarian life, as the Father establishes his will and the Son joyfully obeys. Therefore, we should not despise, but should embrace proper lines of authority and obedience. In the home, believing community, and society, rightful lines of authority are good, wise and beautiful reflections of the reality that is God himself…we need to see not only authority but also submission as God-like."

This is not only reflected in the life of God, Christ himself examples for us what true leadership and submission looks like. Jesus Christ displays for us the right way to lead and the correct way to submit.

The bible therefore instructs us clearly in three ways. Here I am summarising from Wayne Grudem's book, Evangelical Feminism and Biblical Truth:

1. It corrects the errors of male dominance and male superiority that come as a result of sin.

2. As men and women who are equal in God's sight, no-one should feel proud or superior because he is a man, and no-one should feel disappointed or inferior because she is a woman.

3. When men and women do not listen respectfully and thoughtfully to each other, do not value the wisdom that might be arrived at differently and expressed differently from the other, or do not value the other's different gifts and preferences as much as their own, they neglect the teaching on equality in the image of God.

Let's ponder these truths anew, taking them into our lives and marriages, that we might reflect God's design for us as men and women, embracing his design as "very good".

A Countercultural Path to Marriage?

Back in October, we referred you to a couple of articles on dating and relationships by Scott Croft at Boundless. Many of you have commented on how helpful these were, giving fresh perspective and biblical advice on such a hot topic. Scott Croft is beginning a new series on this same issue, starting with "Biblical Dating: An Introduction". Here is the blurb:

"The system today's young men and women have inherited for finding and marrying a future spouse leaves a lot to be desired. We often hear complaints from readers about the confusion, hurt and sexual sin they've encountered despite their best intentions. Many want to know how they can go about getting to know someone and eventually getting married without getting hurt or compromising their faith.

At Focus on the Family, we've offered a range of resources and expert advice bringing Biblical principles to bear in this area. Some of the messages we've presented have taken the position that Christians can apply their faith in such a way that they can still work within the system they've inherited. Other messages have stressed that Christians need to be much more counter-cultural. Joshua Harris, for instance, has promoted a model of courtship that harkens back to a model used broadly before modern dating evolved.

People attempting to follow a courtship model within today's culture, however, often run into a lot of practical questions, such as, "What if her dad is unavailable or uninterested in being involved?" or "What do you do when you live hundreds of miles from your family?"

The goal of this series of articles, beginning with this introduction, is to provide our readers with a place to bring those questions. Scott Croft is an elder at Capitol Hill Baptist Church where he teaches a seminar on Friendship, Courtship and Marriage. He is also an attorney who is used to tackling tough questions.

The answers he brings may be different from anything you've heard before. The topics he's going to be dealing with are ones in which equally committed Christians have found different Biblical interpretations. Not all will agree with Scott's approach, and we invite feedback from anyone who believes there are better interpretations for the Biblical passages Scott draws from.

It's our hope that this Q&A series will be valuable both for those who think the Bible gives sufficient guidance for operating within our current system as well as for those who are looking for a completely countercultural path to marriage."

This introductory article specifically looks at and compares 'modern dating' and 'biblical dating'. I encourage you to read it here, and take up Scott's invitation to enagage with his views.