Wise Words for Women: Guard Your Heart

I came across the following article the other day courtesy of Lydia at The Purple Cellar. "Guard Your Heart" addresses unmarried women, exhorting them to guard their hearts so that "it does not become entangled emotionally without the protection of a covenant." The author, Nancy Wilson, offers some exhortations which she admittedly might come across as "a trifle negative", but will have positive results. I'd like to quote from her article for today's wise words and commend the rest for your reading.

Nancy writes:

You must guard your imagination if you want to guard your heart. Don’t feed a lonely heart with cheesy romance novels or chick flicks and fantasize about the men or the relationships described. This can quickly become lust—lusting to be lusted after. Don’t allow yourself to imagine someone is interested in you when he is just being friendly. Don’t imagine that he had a tender look when he said hello to you, when he was really just giving you a polite greeting. In other words, do not develop wild crushes. If the man in question shows an interest elsewhere, you will be hurt, and depending on how much you indulged your imagination, you may be devastated. Be realistic about the men who show you attention....

Cultivating male group friendships is a healthy alternative to the world’s dating system, but we must not use these friendships to fill a void. Friendships can be sexually charged, and women are usually very ignorant about this. Friendships should not be intimate, but good-naturedly distant. Would you be able to maintain the friendship on an equal footing if you were married? If not, it is probably an inappropriate friendship. Women should have the kind of friendships with the brothers that are characterized by purity and propriety. If you have to alter your behavior after you are married, you have probably been behaving in an unwise or ungodly manner....

Wise Words for Women: Forgiveness, Forbearance & Fertilizer

Today's wise words are unashamedly from Noel Piper again! Last week, Noel posted on the Desiring God blog some thoughts about her husbands sermon on Forgiveness and Forbearance in marriage. Here is her post in full. I hope you find it as insightful as I did.

"What my husband said last Sunday at the end of a sermon on forgiveness and forbearance in marriage:

Picture your marriage as a grassy field. You enter it at the beginning full of hope and joy. You look out into the future and you see beautiful flowers and trees and rolling hills. And that beauty is what you see in each other. Your relationship is the field and flowers and the rolling hills. But before long, you begin to step in cow pies. Some seasons of your marriage they may seem to be everywhere. Late at night they are especially prevalent. These are the sins and flaws and idiosyncrasies and weaknesses and annoying habits in you and your spouse. You try to forgive them and endure them with grace.

But they have a way of dominating the relationship. It may not even be true, but it feels like that’s all there is—cow pies. I think the combination of forbearance and forgiveness leads to the creation of a compost pile. And here you begin to shovel the cow pies. You both look at each other and simply admit that there are a lot of cow pies. But you say to each other: You know, there is more to this relationship than cow pies. And we are losing sight of that because we keep focusing on these cow pies. Let’s throw them all in the compost pile. When we have to, we will go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can. And then, we are going to walk away from that pile and set our eyes on the rest of field. We will pick some favorite paths and hills that we know are not strewn with cow pies. And we will be thankful for the part of field that is sweet.

Our hands may be dirty. And our backs make ache from all the shoveling. But one thing we know: We will not pitch our tent by the compost pile. We will only go there when we must. This is the gift of grace that we will give each other again and again and again—because we are chosen and holy and loved.

What I thought as he went along:

That is so true....But then I hope the congregation doesn’t think he means we should just shovel our problems aside and live in denial. We do need to deal occasionally with the disagreements and sins that come between us....No wait. Listen to him. I should have known he wouldn’t leave us with that misunderstanding. “When we have to, we will go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can.”

What I told him after the service:

The compost pile is such a good analogy, and you know, you can take it even further. Thanks, see you later.

He smiled:

I wonder what she means.

What I meant:

I’ve never composted, but I understand that periodically you need to leave your pleasant paths and visit the compost pile.You need to bring your shovel or pitchfork and stir the compost around. In other words, occasionally we do need to revisit the causes of stress and anger that are between us and release and diffuse the heat that’s been building up in the pile. Yes, we spend most of our time in the large, pleasant meadow that represents the good that predominates our relationship, but sometimes we have to talk about hard things or sometimes one of us needs to confront the other about something that is difficult. We do sometimes have to go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can.

When we do that digging and stirring, our hands will be dirty and our backs will ache. But after the digging and stirring is done for now, if we have stirred well, our aches will be the satisfying pain of a job well done.

We don’t want to live there, but the compost heap does exist and we do need to dig down deep sometimes. This can involve stirring up some stinky, rotting material that we’d rather not see or smell. But if we don’t stir it up, we’ll just have a manure pile, not compost. We wouldn’t want to pitch our tent right there, but we do need to visit sometimes.

I expect to hear more about that kind of visiting and shoveling during your sermon dealing with confrontation, because confrontation is one thing that drags us helter-skelter to the compost pile.

I don’t expect ever to enjoy shoveling the compost. But it helps to know that over time, with proper shoveling and mixing, our stinky, rotting manure becomes compost. Yes, composting and fertilizing is hard work, but the whole field of our relationship is richer and greener and sweeter for it."

Wise Words for Women: Anne Bradstreet

Being Valentine's Day, today's Wise Words for Women have been chosen appropriately. It is a poem by Anne Bradstreet and beautifully expresses a wife's love for her husband.

But before leaving you to read this piece of poetry, you may be wondering who Anne Bradstreet is. Anne Bradstreet (1612-1672) was the first American female writer and poet to have her work published. She was born in Northampton, England in 1612 and married at the age of 16 to Simon Bradstreet, the son of a Puritan minister. In 1630, Anne and her family emigrated to America on one of the first ships to bring the many Puritans to New England.

Her work serves as a document of the struggles of a Puritan wife against the hardships of the New England colonial life and an ongoing battle with illness. In spite of this, Anne's faith has been described as exemplary, as was her love for her husband and eight children. Many of her poems were written not only in times of trial but in periods of loneliness when her husband's political duties required him to travel frequently on political errands.

Much of Anne's work centres around religious themes, the family, and in particular the love she had for her husband. In a time when Puritan culture somewhat repressed the love between husband and wife, so as not to distract from devotion to God, some of Bradstreet's sonnets work against this idea. A good example of this is the poem, "To My Dear and Loving Husband."

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee.
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye women, if you can.
I prize thy love more than whole Mines of gold
Or all the riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that Rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee give recompence.
Thy love is such I can no way repay.
The heavens reward thee manifold, I pray.
Then while we live, in love let's so persevere
That when we live no more, we may live ever.

If you would like to read more about Anne Bradstreet and her work go here.

Wise Words for Women: To Young Mothers

This week's wise words come from a man who lived over 200 years ago, and yet they are extremely relevant to women today. They come from John Angell James, a pastor who lived and worked in England in the early nineteenth century. He authored an number of books including Female Piety, which this quote is taken from. Although the language is slightly old-fashioned, this book is well worth reading and can be read online here. In this extract, James addresses mothers:

[The] strength of woman's love to her child must be turned to good account, and be directed in its exercises to the best and most useful purposes. There is this difference, and it is a momentous one, between the maternal care of the animals and that of woman; in animals it goes no further than provision and protection—training forms no part of it. The same power which endowed the beasts with the habits which belong to its nature, endows also its offspring. The latter, without any pains bestowed on its education, or any solicitude cherished for its welfare, will learn the lessons of its existence by the instincts of nature, and be capable of rising to its specific perfection, unaided either by parent or teacher. Not so the young of the human species; they also require provision and protection. But more than this they need instruction. And who must be their instructor? First of all, and chief of all—their mother...

The mother has most to do with the character, while yet in the flexible state in which it receives its shape. The earliest exercises of thought, emotion, will, and conscience, are all carried on under her eye. She has to do not only with the body in its infancy, but with the soul in its childhood. Both mind and heart are in her hands at that period, when they take their first start for good or for evil. The children learn to lisp their first words, and to form their first ideas, under her teaching. They are almost always in her company, and are insensibly to themselves and imperceptibly to her, receiving a right or wrong bias from her! She is the first 'model of character' they witness—the first exhibitions of right and wrong in practice are what they see in her. They are the constant observers of the passions, the graces, the virtues, and the faults—which are shown in her words, disposition, and actions. She is therefore unconsciously to herself educating them, not only by designed teaching—but by all she does or says in their presence!

Children are imitative creatures. During their early years, imitation is the regent of the soul, and they who are least swayed by 'reason', are most governed by 'example'. Learning to talk is the effect of imitation—not intuition. And as children so early and so insensibly learn to repeat sounds, so may they also learn to copy actions and habits. This applies to the mother in a fuller sense than it does to the father of course, just because she is more constantly with the children in the early stages of their existence. It is therefore of immense importance that everyone who sustains this relation should have an accurate idea of her own great power over her children. She should be deeply and duly impressed with the potency of her influence.

Wise Words for Women: "Riding in Tandem"

Today is our spot in the week where we leave you with some words of wisdom as we seek to discover and recover in our lives what it means to be women who live according to God's Word.

Today's wise words come from Noel Piper and are particularly addressed for those who are married, though not exclusively. As I said to a friend the other day: 'I wish someone shared with me these things when I was single and contemplating marriage'.

Noel describes her musings as "random lessons," they are, in essence, thought provoking and full of wisdom as we seek to ride in the tandem of marriage.

John & Noel Riding in Tandem

"Sunscreen on, helmets buckled, pedals in sync, and we were on our way. After a few minutes, Johnny called over his shoulder, “You’re doing pretty well for your first time on a tandem.” Without a thought, I replied: “I guess all these years of marriage have been good practice.”

Here are some random lessons learned last week riding along the Cannon Valley Trail behind my husband on a bicycle built for two:

• If I throw my weight around, we wobble and swerve.
• My initial “seasickness” eases when I quit resisting and let him lean the bike into curves and turns in the path.
• I often feel as if I’m not really adding much to the effort. But I must be doing my part, because if I lift my feet, he feels it and asks, “Are you still there?”
• My instinct is to press harder on the pedals to make sure I’m carrying my share of the load. But when I do, he says, “Slow down. Don’t push me so fast.”
• Looking over his shoulder, I can see a lot of what he sees, but not what’s immediately in front of us. Good thing he’s the one steering, braking, and changing gears. On the other hand, I’m more free to look around and point out the mile markers and the turtles basking on a log.
• I can’t brake or steer, but I do have the power to stop the bike and ruin the ride. If I stand still on the pedals and refuse to move, he can’t make them turn.
• I love it when we’re on level ground and using a gear that sets a slow, steady pedalling that surges us forward. But I need warning when he changes to a setting that requires fast foot strokes. When I’m caught off guard, my feet are slung from the pedals and it’s a trick to get them back in place without snarling the progress up a steep hill.
• When I realize I’m gripping the handlebars, I have to remind myself, “Let go! You’ve always wanted to ride ‘no hands.’ Now you can!”
• When I’m ready to turn back, he’s aiming for one more mile marker. When I’m ready to finish easy, he says, “Let’s see if we can beat our record.” With that kind of encouragement, I do what never would have happened if I’d been on my own.
• Near the end, when I see one more hill, I open my mouth to say, “Let me off. I’ll walk up.” Then I realize how foolish we’d look, me plodding alone and him trying to keep the bike going by himself. So I shut up and keep pedaling.
• And I discover that, when we pedal together, impossible inclines become possible.

Perhaps the 19th century songwriter was wiser than he knew when he created a marriage proposal that said, “You’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.” It makes me think of what Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:22-24: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

Words as these in our world today are regarded as less than wise, more like foolish. Why in the world would we want to submit to anyone, never mind our husbands? 'Submission' is a bit of a 'dirty word', it implies that one party is lesser in worth than the other, inferior. And yet, when we close our ears to what the world tells us and open our eyes and read God's word, the concept of submission in God's economy is far from negative.

God's word instructs us in Genesis 1:26 that God made male and female in his own image. Therefore, men and women enjoy equality of personhood, dignity and worth. With regard to our status before God, there is no hint of superiority or inferiority.

This is not to say that men and women are made exactly the same. One of the ways in which God has designed women is to reflect that equality of personhood in a different way from men. God has made us to be "suitable helpers" (Genesis 2:20) and men to take on a leadership role. When both men and women step up and embrace their true masculinity and femininity, as designed by God, "they will be truly fulfilled and God's creational wisdom will be fully displayed and exalted" (John Piper).

When the world tells us that equality cannot be sustained with an order of leadership and submission, we must consider anew not only what God's word says, but how Father, Son and Holy Spirit reflect this truth perfectly. Bruce Ware writes:

"The structure of authority and obedience is not only established by God, but it is, even more, possessed in God’s own inner Trinitarian life, as the Father establishes his will and the Son joyfully obeys. Therefore, we should not despise, but should embrace proper lines of authority and obedience. In the home, believing community, and society, rightful lines of authority are good, wise and beautiful reflections of the reality that is God himself…we need to see not only authority but also submission as God-like."

This is not only reflected in the life of God, Christ himself examples for us what true leadership and submission looks like. Jesus Christ displays for us the right way to lead and the correct way to submit.

The bible therefore instructs us clearly in three ways. Here I am summarising from Wayne Grudem's book, Evangelical Feminism and Biblical Truth:

1. It corrects the errors of male dominance and male superiority that come as a result of sin.

2. As men and women who are equal in God's sight, no-one should feel proud or superior because he is a man, and no-one should feel disappointed or inferior because she is a woman.

3. When men and women do not listen respectfully and thoughtfully to each other, do not value the wisdom that might be arrived at differently and expressed differently from the other, or do not value the other's different gifts and preferences as much as their own, they neglect the teaching on equality in the image of God.

Let's ponder these truths anew, taking them into our lives and marriages, that we might reflect God's design for us as men and women, embracing his design as "very good".

Wise Words for Women: Chosen to Nurture

Last night I was re-reading a couple of chapters from Nancy Leigh DeMoss' book "Biblical Womanhood in the Home." I was contemplating her chapters: A Portrait of a Woman Used by God and Portrait of a Foolish Woman. What a wealth of wise words to write about! However, I want to share something that particularly struck me, something foundational and applicable for all women who want to be used by God. Nancy writes:

God has chosen all of us...to bring forth spiritual life. 'You did not choose me,' Jesus told his disciples, 'but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit - fruit that will last' (John 15:16). I believe there is a special sense in which God created us as women to be bearers and nurturers of life. Whether or not He grants us physical children, He wants to use us to carry the life and light of Jesus into the world - to be spiritual reproducers, bringing forth His life in the lives of others.

We may look at certain prominent or unusually gifted people and think they have been uniquely chosen by God. The fact is, if you are a child of God, you have been chosen by God for a task of supreme significance - to be a bearer and nurturer of spiritual life by carrying the life of the Lord Jesus to others.

Once you look at your life that way, you'll never again have a "self image" problem. Many women today carry scars of rejection from parents, mates, or friends who have spurned them. What a joy to discover that though we deserve to be rejected by God, we have been chosen to belong to Him and to be part of His redemptive plan in the universe.

As women chosen by God, designed to be spiritual reproducers and nurturers of life, let's think about our immediate sphere of influence and how we might bring forth and nurture the life of Christ around us. 'The wise woman builds her house, but with her hands the foolish one tears hers down' (Proverbs 14:1). Whether your "house" is your family, church, workplace, friends or community, by God's grace and at his appointing, let us be wise women who become actively involved in building our "houses" daily.

Wise Words for Women

As you know, one of the main aims of our blog is to discover and recover for our lives a biblical understanding of womanhood. This is a large vision to embrace! Therefore, we're going to take our Wednesdays to chew over some wise words from great writers (both past and present) on the theme.

Our first wise words for women comes from Elisabeth Elliot and her book, "Let Me Be A Woman." She writes in her chapter, God Sets No Traps:

We are called to be women. The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman. For I have accepted God's idea of me, and my whole life is an offering back to Him of all that I am and all that He wants me to be....

God...has summoned us to the only true and full freedom. The woman who defines her liberation as doing what she wants, or not doing what she doesn't want, is, in the first place, evading responsibility. Evasion of responsibility is the mark of immaturity. The Women's Liberation Movement is characterized, it appears, by this very immaturity. While telling themselves that they have come a long way, that they are actually coming of age, they have retreated to a partial humanity, one that refuses to acknowledge the vast significance of the sexual differentiation...

And the woman who ignores that fundamental truth ironically misses the very thing that she has set out to find. By refusing to fulfil the whole vocation of womanhood she settles for a caricature, a pseudo-personhood.

Whether you are younger or older, single or married, busy at home or in the workplace, ponder these wise words so that you might not fall into the trap of evading your responsibility as a christian woman.