Wise Words for Women: To Young Mothers

This week's wise words come from a man who lived over 200 years ago, and yet they are extremely relevant to women today. They come from John Angell James, a pastor who lived and worked in England in the early nineteenth century. He authored an number of books including Female Piety, which this quote is taken from. Although the language is slightly old-fashioned, this book is well worth reading and can be read online here. In this extract, James addresses mothers:

[The] strength of woman's love to her child must be turned to good account, and be directed in its exercises to the best and most useful purposes. There is this difference, and it is a momentous one, between the maternal care of the animals and that of woman; in animals it goes no further than provision and protection—training forms no part of it. The same power which endowed the beasts with the habits which belong to its nature, endows also its offspring. The latter, without any pains bestowed on its education, or any solicitude cherished for its welfare, will learn the lessons of its existence by the instincts of nature, and be capable of rising to its specific perfection, unaided either by parent or teacher. Not so the young of the human species; they also require provision and protection. But more than this they need instruction. And who must be their instructor? First of all, and chief of all—their mother...

The mother has most to do with the character, while yet in the flexible state in which it receives its shape. The earliest exercises of thought, emotion, will, and conscience, are all carried on under her eye. She has to do not only with the body in its infancy, but with the soul in its childhood. Both mind and heart are in her hands at that period, when they take their first start for good or for evil. The children learn to lisp their first words, and to form their first ideas, under her teaching. They are almost always in her company, and are insensibly to themselves and imperceptibly to her, receiving a right or wrong bias from her! She is the first 'model of character' they witness—the first exhibitions of right and wrong in practice are what they see in her. They are the constant observers of the passions, the graces, the virtues, and the faults—which are shown in her words, disposition, and actions. She is therefore unconsciously to herself educating them, not only by designed teaching—but by all she does or says in their presence!

Children are imitative creatures. During their early years, imitation is the regent of the soul, and they who are least swayed by 'reason', are most governed by 'example'. Learning to talk is the effect of imitation—not intuition. And as children so early and so insensibly learn to repeat sounds, so may they also learn to copy actions and habits. This applies to the mother in a fuller sense than it does to the father of course, just because she is more constantly with the children in the early stages of their existence. It is therefore of immense importance that everyone who sustains this relation should have an accurate idea of her own great power over her children. She should be deeply and duly impressed with the potency of her influence.

Titus 2 Truths: Attitudes and Pitfalls

Next week we'll start looking at the curriculum that older women should be passing on to younger women as set out in Titus 2:4&5. But before we move on, I thought it might be helpful to think about some of the arguments we may put up for not being involved in the kind of mentoring relationship described in this passage of Scripture, and some of the dangers that we may encounter if we are.

My husband and I were chatting about this subject over dinner the other night, and he commented that women are more naturally inclined to enter into mentoring relationships than men. He is right, but we also agreed that women too can come up with plenty of reasons why they can't get involved. Older woman may feel inadequate to train younger women; "I don't have theological training" we may argue. However, the relationships Paul is discussing with Titus are not "journal clubs", erudite discussions of complex theological issues. Instead, he describes older women practically exemplifying how we are called to glorify God in our specific callings as women. As we discussed a couple of weeks ago, we should all aim to know our bibles well and live our lives by what we find there, but we will never have "all the answers".

On the other hand, as younger women, we may also feel inadequate to be involved in a relationship with a "spiritual mother". We can find it difficult to admit we need help and guidance in some areas, particularly when it comes to sensitive issues such as our identities as women. Sometimes we may find it difficult to identify an older women to pair up with. Can I encourage you to look around your church, find a godly woman and just ask her! Older women, can you think about how you can make yourself available to younger women, and maybe approach someone you know suggesting you meet up. It is made much easier if your church has a formal mentoring programme you can plug into, but failing that why not approach your pastor's wife for advice?

Several pitfalls may be encountered in these types of relationships. In her book One-to-one, Sophie Peace discusses a number of dangers we should be on the look out for:

• Control - "Unless we watch ourselves, a relationship in which we are supposed to serve a younger Christian can all too easily become one where we lord it over them, or even manipulate and control them, for the sake of our own egos."
• Legalism - "Concern for personal godliness can easily spill over into rules and regulations being imposed on the younger Christian, usually unintentionally...The older Christian must be very aware of this danger and keep pointing to Jesus in all things, being open about the failures in their own life and their thankfulness for forgiveness."
• Over-dependence - "This can happen where one person is less mature or secure either spiritually or emotionally or on both fronts, and looks to the stronger one for direction, strength and confidence where they should be looking to God for all these things."
• Pride - "We must remember that it is God's work to change people. Remembering this will also prevent us from becoming burdened with worry or guilt when we don't see the fruit we long for in our one-to-one partner or when they are demanding much more out of the friendship than we are able to give."

Following on from this, Sophie states:

These dangers can, to a large extent, be avoided when we are aware of them and are cautious, prayerful and accountable in our ministry.

So we should bring these issues before God in prayer and ensure that we are accountable to our church for the mentoring we are involved in. If your church has a women's ministry then this is more straightforward, but if not, you could perhaps arrange to meet regularly with another women who is also involved in mentoring to ensure you both stay on track. As my husband has said to me many times, "Remember you are trying to help someone become more like Christ, not more like you!"

Your Weekly Dose of Susannah Spurgeon

The "dawning of love" in the courtship of Charles and Susannah is the theme of today's weekly dose of Susannah Spurgeon. The excerpts below raises some interesting questions about the way we initiate relationships today.

On the 10th June 1854, a large party of friends including the young preacher and Susannah gathered at the opening of the Crystal Palace in Sydenham. Here is Susannah's recalling of that time:

As we sat there talking, laughing and amusing ourselves as best we could, while waiting for the procession to pass by, Mr Spurgeon handed me a book into which he had been occasionally dipping, and, pointing to some particular lines said, "What do you think of the poet's suggestion in those verses?" The volume was Martin Tupper's Proverbial Philosophy...The pointing finger guided my eyes to the chapter 'On Marriage', of which the opening sentences ran thus:

Seek a good wife of thy God, for she is the best gift of His providence;
Yet ask not in bold confidence that which he hath not promised:
Thou knowest not his good will; be thy prayer then submissive there unto;
And leave thy petition to Hismercy assured that He will deal well with thee.
If thou art to have a wife of thy youth, she is now living on the earth;
Therefore think of her and pray for her weal!

"Do you pray for him who is to be your husband?" said a soft, low voice in my ear- so soft that no one else heard the whisper. I do not remember that the question received any vocal answer; but my fast-beating heart, which sent a tell-tale flush to my cheeks, and my downcast eyes, which feared to reveal the light which at once dawned in them, may have spoken a language which love understood.

From that moment a very quiet and subdued little maiden sat by the young pastor's side, and while the brilliant procession passed round the Palace, I do not think she took so much note of the glittering pageant defiling before her, as of the crowd of newly-awakened emotions which were palpitating within her heart. Neither the book nor its theories were again alluded to, but when the formalities of the opening were over, and the visitors were allowed to leave their seats, the same low voice whispered again, "Will you come and walk round the palace with me?"

During that walk...God himself united our hearts and in indissoluble bonds of true affection, and, thou we knew it not, gave us to each other for ever. From that time our friendship grew apace and quickly ripened into deepest love.

Less than two months after the incident at the Crystal Palace, C.H. Spurgeon formally proposed for the hand of Susannah Spurgeon. There is no record of the words Charles spoke in his declaration of love to Susannah, only that his confession was "wonderful" and "was there ever quite such a bliss on earth before?"

Charles Ray in his biography writes: "They were one in heart, in soul, in inclination, and even at this stage the great preacher had communicated to his fiancee much of his own spirituality and earnestness. There was more than mere earthly affection in their love for one another, and both felt that indeed the finger of God had marked out a united course for them. Susannah writes:

To me, it was a time as solemn as it was sweet; and with a great awe in my heart, I left my beloved and, hastening to the house and to an upper room, I knelt before God and praised and thanked him with happy tears for his great mercy in giving me the love of so good a man. If I had known then how good he was and how great he would become, I should have been overwhelmed, not so much with the happiness of being his, as with the responsibility which such a position would entail.

In a letter to Susannah, Charles wrote not long after his proposal remarkable words which speak volumes as to the character of both the writer and the recipient:

Dear purchase of a Saviour's blood, you are to me a saviour's gift, and my heart is full to overflowing with the thought of such continued goodness. I do not wonder at his goodness, for it is just like him, but I cannot but lift my voice at his manifold mercies...Whatever befall us, trouble and adversity, sickness or death, we need not fear a final separation, either from each other or our God. I am glad you are not here just at this moment, for I feel so deeply that I could only throw my arms around you and weep.

In light of what we have read today, a few questions come to mind:

1. What role does prayer have in our pursuit of a lifetime partner?

2. How important might it be to marry someone who is "one in heart, in soul, in inclination?"

3. What place do solemnity and sweetness respectively play in the coming together of a husband and wife?

4. In view of C.H. Spurgeon's letter to Susannah, how important is it that we can say of a prospective spouse: "Whatever befall us, trouble and adversity, sickness or death, we need not fear a final separation, either from each other or our God"?

A sermon worth listening to...

Nicki was away this past weekend and hopefully she had a relaxing and refreshing time. One thing she missed out on, though, was our senior pastor's powerful exposition of Jeremiah 2 yesterday morning. So for her benefit and yours, if you are looking for something very worthwhile to listen to during this week, you can download the sermon here.

Nicki will be back soon with your Weekly Dose of Susannah Spurgeon.

Womanhood Watch

We're here again to share with you some things worth looking at in blogland and beyond this week.

We'll be back on Monday with Your weekly dose of Susannah Spurgeon and the next instalment in her relationship with Charles: courtship! If you enjoy hearing how couples get together, you'll like this one! Enjoy the weekend.

• The Purple Cellar, is a new blog for women and is well worth a look (HT: JT)
  
• If you think your blog is in need of a bit of brightening up, then visit Christian Women Online and get your Scripture tags here.
• Should there be more to meals than just food? The ladies at girltalk have just started a short series looking at the significance of meal times.
• Joshua Harris has just completed a three part series on intimacy and purity at his church, Covenant Life. Download or listen online here. (HT: Solo Femininity)
• Still with Covenant Life, The Family Room blog are posting a new series with Mark Dever on the Puritans and sex. "8 Lessons for Healthy Sex" has started with Sex is Supposed to be Limited. Intrigued? Check out this post and more. This series has been taken from Mark Dever's talk, "Christian Hedonists or Religious Prudes?" at the 2004 Desiring God National Conference. You can listen or watch here.
• "His Faithfulness" is a new CD worth checking out. It combines the poetry of Amy Carmichael and the music of Jim Spencer. To sample excerpts and order the CD go here. (HT: JT)
  
• Boundless were inundated with comments over Scott Croft's article last week, "Biblical Dating: To Kiss or not to Kiss." Take a peek at some of the thought provoking reaction and Scott's clarification on the issue. Motte Brown also posts on why he regrets kissing his wife.
• Do your kids read books? Al Mohler discusses how reading is "an important Christian discipline. It is why the Christian church has championed the cause of literacy. It is why the Reformers fought for the translation of the Scriptures into vernacular languages. A loss of literacy and respect for the book amounts to grave danger for the Christian church." Read more here.
  
• Tim Challies takes us out of our comfort zone and discusses self-centred sex. Read parts one and two.
• Yesterday we completed the reading as a Christian discipline survey conducted by Kim over at Hiraeth. Now it's your turn. Go here to take part.
• Jenny Shroedel's article, 40 Days with Natalie tells us how we just need to press pause, particularly after the birth of a new baby!
  

Reading as a Christian Discipline - Survey

Kim over at Hiraeth is conducting a survey on the virtues of reading as a Christian Discipline, as it relates to blogging and reading blogs. To take part in the discussion you should copy and paste the questions she has here, post them and your answers on your own blog, then leave a link in the comments section of her post here.

There are already a few answers in, so here goes our (Nicki & Catriona) contribution to the discussion:

Has reading Christian blogs increased your desire to tackle weighty Christian tomes?

Yes, I've tended to only read weightier volumes in relation to theological study, not necessarily writers I'd choose to read now. Christian blogs have certainly encouraged reading some of the more fruitful greats.

Reading blogs has certainly made me more aware of some of the "classics". Fortunately, my husband reads even more than I do, and often when I see a book recommended on a blog, I find it's on our bookshelves already!

Have you learned of Christian authors and theologians that you might not have otherwise known or read?

Yes, particularly contemporary American authors that we might not otherwise hear of in the UK.

Similar to Nicki, reading blogs has introduced me to several authors from the USA that I might not otherwise have read.

Have you purchased or borrowed books that were recommended by bloggers?

I've borrowed the odd book from my blogmate Catriona, but I've tended to purchase more.

Yes. I tend to purchase more often than borrow and have purchased several books recommended by blogs, including books for my children.

Have you read fewer "real" books as your blog reading has increased?

No, blog reading has tended to do the opposite!

I've found that contributing regularly to a blog has given me a renewed incentive to read books so that I have something to post on! I have always been a bit of a bookworm, though, and getting recommendations from other blogs just gives me an excuse to try to read more.

Has the availability/searchability of great Christian works caused you to rely upon them merely as resources?

I think that was something that I was perhaps guilty of in the past. If a book has something in it worth referencing to, then it's worth reading as much of the book as possible, taking in the overall context of what the writer is saying. When reading some of the contemporary writers who quote from the great writers of the past, my thought is, "I must read that!"

I do sometimes use these works as resources but I also try to discipline myself to read through an older or "classic" Christian book regularly. I find greater concentration is needed for these than for more modern Christian authors, so with two small children progress can be slow. I do think it is worth reading the original sources.

Do you think reading the great Christian authors and theologians is important and/or profitable?

Yes. They are a more difficult read. Sometimes I find it helpful to read some kind of overview of their work or a contemporary revised version.From there I'd go on and read the real deal. There is tremendous value in going back to the primary work itself.

Absolutely, yes. These books may take more time and concentration to work through but they are worth the effort.

Do you read them?

Yes. Fortunately being a student in theology it is par for the course - it's hard to avoid even if I wanted to!

Yes. During my early twenties, most of the Christian books I read had catchy titles and were in the top ten list at the bookshop. I approached each one thinking that it would give me that "magic formula" for living a fulfilled Christian life and I was always disappointed. As I've got older (and have less time to waste!), I've come to really appreciate books from the great Christian authors, modern and historical. I usually have more than one book on the go at once, and I try to make sure one of them is a weightier "classic". Just now I'm reading the letters of Samuel Rutherford, the Scottish Puritan.

If so, who do you recommend?

There's plenty I wouldn't recommend! Some of the greats would be Charles & Susannah Spurgeon, JC Ryle, Baxter, Calvin, Stott, Berkhof, Grudem and Edwards (I'm hoping to dip into Owen at some point & borrow Cat's "Mystery of Providence by Flavel). Most of my reading at the minute would include favourite authors such as Don Carson, Don Whitney, John & Noel Piper, CJ & Carolyn Mahaney, JC Ryle, Alistair Begg, R.Kent & Barbara Hughes, Elizabeth Elliott, Susan Hunt, John McArthur, JI Packer, Sharon James. A mixed bag of old and new, male and female, not necessarily "classic theologians" but all worth their weight in different ways.

I would concur with all that Nicki recommends. For me, I really appreciate the Puritan works and also recommend reading good Christian biographies from time to time. It is a great encouragement to read of how great Christians from history have lived God-glorifying lives.

Biblical Femininity for Everyday Life

A couple of nights ago our MuMS group met for the first time in 2007. We are planning to study together Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney and by way of introduction, we listened to a talk given by her daughter Nicole Whitacre, entitled "Biblical Femininity for Everyday Life". She centres her talk around a helpful definition of biblical femininity written by Jeff Purswell:

Biblical Femininity suggest an inner disposition that is supportive, responsive and nurturing in its various roles, responsibilities and relationships.

We thought about how we can be supportive of our husbands, realising that we must think about how we can create an environment to enable them to fulfil their individual callings in the home, at church and the workplace. Nicole gave the example of Sarah Edwards who "studied to suit" her husband Jonathan.

We also thought about being responsive to our husband's leading. We must allow him to lead and not usurp his God-given authority by expressing our opinions in a forceful or overbearing manner. Someone mentioned how important tone of voice is here, as we may all too easily speak to our husband in a way that is nagging or undermines him.

Thirdly, Nicole emphasises that as wives, the primary focus of our nurturing efforts should be our husbands, before even our children. One of her descendants described Sarah Edwards as "a resting place for [Jonathan's] soul". This was a challenge to us all as we considered whether this is something our husbands could say of us.

I encourage you to listen to the talk in full here. Even if you're not married, this talk is also worth listening to, as Nicole spends a lot of time applying these truths to single women.

Wise Words for Women: "Riding in Tandem"

Today is our spot in the week where we leave you with some words of wisdom as we seek to discover and recover in our lives what it means to be women who live according to God's Word.

Today's wise words come from Noel Piper and are particularly addressed for those who are married, though not exclusively. As I said to a friend the other day: 'I wish someone shared with me these things when I was single and contemplating marriage'.

Noel describes her musings as "random lessons," they are, in essence, thought provoking and full of wisdom as we seek to ride in the tandem of marriage.

John & Noel Riding in Tandem

"Sunscreen on, helmets buckled, pedals in sync, and we were on our way. After a few minutes, Johnny called over his shoulder, “You’re doing pretty well for your first time on a tandem.” Without a thought, I replied: “I guess all these years of marriage have been good practice.”

Here are some random lessons learned last week riding along the Cannon Valley Trail behind my husband on a bicycle built for two:

• If I throw my weight around, we wobble and swerve.
• My initial “seasickness” eases when I quit resisting and let him lean the bike into curves and turns in the path.
• I often feel as if I’m not really adding much to the effort. But I must be doing my part, because if I lift my feet, he feels it and asks, “Are you still there?”
• My instinct is to press harder on the pedals to make sure I’m carrying my share of the load. But when I do, he says, “Slow down. Don’t push me so fast.”
• Looking over his shoulder, I can see a lot of what he sees, but not what’s immediately in front of us. Good thing he’s the one steering, braking, and changing gears. On the other hand, I’m more free to look around and point out the mile markers and the turtles basking on a log.
• I can’t brake or steer, but I do have the power to stop the bike and ruin the ride. If I stand still on the pedals and refuse to move, he can’t make them turn.
• I love it when we’re on level ground and using a gear that sets a slow, steady pedalling that surges us forward. But I need warning when he changes to a setting that requires fast foot strokes. When I’m caught off guard, my feet are slung from the pedals and it’s a trick to get them back in place without snarling the progress up a steep hill.
• When I realize I’m gripping the handlebars, I have to remind myself, “Let go! You’ve always wanted to ride ‘no hands.’ Now you can!”
• When I’m ready to turn back, he’s aiming for one more mile marker. When I’m ready to finish easy, he says, “Let’s see if we can beat our record.” With that kind of encouragement, I do what never would have happened if I’d been on my own.
• Near the end, when I see one more hill, I open my mouth to say, “Let me off. I’ll walk up.” Then I realize how foolish we’d look, me plodding alone and him trying to keep the bike going by himself. So I shut up and keep pedaling.
• And I discover that, when we pedal together, impossible inclines become possible.

Perhaps the 19th century songwriter was wiser than he knew when he created a marriage proposal that said, “You’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.” It makes me think of what Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:22-24: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

Words as these in our world today are regarded as less than wise, more like foolish. Why in the world would we want to submit to anyone, never mind our husbands? 'Submission' is a bit of a 'dirty word', it implies that one party is lesser in worth than the other, inferior. And yet, when we close our ears to what the world tells us and open our eyes and read God's word, the concept of submission in God's economy is far from negative.

God's word instructs us in Genesis 1:26 that God made male and female in his own image. Therefore, men and women enjoy equality of personhood, dignity and worth. With regard to our status before God, there is no hint of superiority or inferiority.

This is not to say that men and women are made exactly the same. One of the ways in which God has designed women is to reflect that equality of personhood in a different way from men. God has made us to be "suitable helpers" (Genesis 2:20) and men to take on a leadership role. When both men and women step up and embrace their true masculinity and femininity, as designed by God, "they will be truly fulfilled and God's creational wisdom will be fully displayed and exalted" (John Piper).

When the world tells us that equality cannot be sustained with an order of leadership and submission, we must consider anew not only what God's word says, but how Father, Son and Holy Spirit reflect this truth perfectly. Bruce Ware writes:

"The structure of authority and obedience is not only established by God, but it is, even more, possessed in God’s own inner Trinitarian life, as the Father establishes his will and the Son joyfully obeys. Therefore, we should not despise, but should embrace proper lines of authority and obedience. In the home, believing community, and society, rightful lines of authority are good, wise and beautiful reflections of the reality that is God himself…we need to see not only authority but also submission as God-like."

This is not only reflected in the life of God, Christ himself examples for us what true leadership and submission looks like. Jesus Christ displays for us the right way to lead and the correct way to submit.

The bible therefore instructs us clearly in three ways. Here I am summarising from Wayne Grudem's book, Evangelical Feminism and Biblical Truth:

1. It corrects the errors of male dominance and male superiority that come as a result of sin.

2. As men and women who are equal in God's sight, no-one should feel proud or superior because he is a man, and no-one should feel disappointed or inferior because she is a woman.

3. When men and women do not listen respectfully and thoughtfully to each other, do not value the wisdom that might be arrived at differently and expressed differently from the other, or do not value the other's different gifts and preferences as much as their own, they neglect the teaching on equality in the image of God.

Let's ponder these truths anew, taking them into our lives and marriages, that we might reflect God's design for us as men and women, embracing his design as "very good".

Titus 2 Truths: Key Qualities

Last week we thought about how important knowing the Bible is as we seek to grow in wisdom and discernment. Now, let's look more closely at the qualities that Paul says should be evident in the older women who are teaching young women, qualities that all Christian women should pursue.

Reverent in behaviour - In her book Spiritual Mothering, Susan Hunt says,

Reverence implies honor, respect, love and obedience. A reverent life is the product of a reverent view of God. An exalted view of God will shape a Biblical world view that permeates all of life for the woman of faith. A Biblical belief and value system is foundational for a lifestyle of reverence.

Am I cultivating this sort of behaviour? Does the way I live my life and tackle everyday tasks show that I honor, respect, love and obey God?

Not slanderers- Paul knew that this was an issue for women and we thought about this a few months ago. How easily friendships can be destroyed by a few careless words as we seek to show others how much we know, or make ourselves the centre of attention. As Proverbs 12:18 states,

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Not addicted to much wine - For some, alcohol may be a very real struggle. However, others of us may be putting an imaginary tick next to this attribute, thinking that this is not something we need worry about. However, unhealthy obsessions may affect us all. Susan Hunt writes:

We must be free from habitual, compulsive behavior in order to live disciplined lives for God's glory. Self-control, as opposed to self-indulgence, is the fruit of the Holy Spirit.

Do we struggle with an unhealthy compulsion for food, shopping or even the internet? What can we do to improve our self control in these areas?

Teach what is good - Susan Hunt again:

The Greek word translated "good" means beautiful, commendable, excellent...This goodness is a manifestation of the grace of God within and stands in stark contrast to the standard of goodness that the world contrives.

In fact, all of these qualities are manifestations of God's grace, available to all who ask him. Often, I don't feel I'm developing any of these attributes but thankfully it does not depend on my ability or energy.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" Phil 4:13